anjilly

Writer's Block: Left Behind

2009-01-31T16:23:23Z

What do you want done with your body after you die?

My mother wants to be donated to science. My father wants to be stuffed in a sitting position and be passed around between me and my sisters. There's four of us, so we'd each have him sitting on our couch for three months out of the year. He also wants us to set a place for him at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. AND he wants the cat stuffed, too, so it can sit on his lap for eternity. >.<

Myself, I'm currently leaning toward cremation. But if I manage to accomplish something awesome or amazing I'll just stick with plain ol' burial so my fans and followers can come leave offerings at my grave. XD

Ah, stereotypes...

2008-12-16T16:43:13Z

British
[x] You drink a lot of tea.
[ ] You know what a brolly is.
[ ] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[ ] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[ ] You use the word "bugger"or the phrase "bloody hell."
[x] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[ ] You can eat a Full English Breakfast.
[ ] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[x] Its football...not soccer. (Okay, yeah, I call it soccer half the time, but I recognize/use football, too...)
[x]You say Freakin'/Frickin' instead of Fucking.
Total = 4

Australian
[ ] You wear flip flops all year.
[ ] You call flipflops thongs not flip flops.
[x] You love a backyard barbie.
[x] You know a barbie is not a doll.
[x] You love the beach.
[ ] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[ ] You're a sports fanatic.
[ ] You are tanned.
[ ] You're a bit of a bogan.
[ ] You have an australian something.
Total = 3

Italian
[ ] The Sopranos is a great show.
[x] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[x] Your grandmother makes her own sauces.
[x] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[x] You know Italian songs.
[x] You have dark hair and dark eye color.
[ ] You speak some Italian.
[x] You are under 5'10''.
[ ] You know what an Italian horn is.
[ ] Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world!!!
[x] You talk with your hands.
[ ] Your last name sounds like a pasta.
Total = 7

Spanish
[ ] You say member instead of Remember.
[ ] You speak Spanish or some.
[ ] You like tacos.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.
[ ] You are dark skinned.
[ ] You know what a puta is.
[x] You talk fast occasionally.
[ ] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[ ] You know what platanos are.
Total = 1

Russian
[ ] You say villian as: Vee-lon.
[ ] You get short tempered.
[ ] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[x] You get cold easily.
[x] Rain is fun for you.
[ ] You get into contests all the time.
[x] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
Total = 3

Irish
[ ] You think beer is the best.
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y.
[ ] You have blue or green eyes.
[x] You like the color green.
[ ] You have been to a At. Pattys Day party.
[ ] You have a family member from Ireland.
[ ] You have blonde hair.
[x] You have/had freckles.
[ ] Your family get togethers always include drinking and singing.
Total = 2

African American
[ ] You say nigga/nukka casually.
[ ] You have nappy hair.
[ ] You like rap.
[ ] You know how to shoot a gun.
[x] You think President George Walker Bush is racist.
[x] You like chicken.
[x] You like watermelon.
[ ] You can dance.
[ ] You can 'sing' gospel.
[x] You are funny/you always make people laugh.
[ ] You are lazy.
[ ] You speak with imperfect grammar.
Total = 4

Asian
[ ] You have slanty/small eyes.
[ ] You like rice a lot.
[ ] You are good at math.
[ ] You have played the piano.
[ ] You have family from Asia.
[x] You laugh sometimes covering your mouth.
[ ] Most people think you're Chinese.
[ ] You call hurricanes typhoons.
[ ] You go to Baulko.
[ ] You wear American Eagle and/or Hollister.
[x] You can't drive.
[ ] You eat (literally) anything.
Total = 2

German
[x] You like bread.
[x] You think German Chocolate is good.
[ ] You know what Schnitzel is.
[x] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi. (Pacifism =/= pro-WWII/Hitler, people!!! Crazy right-wingers...)
[x] You went to Pre-school. ( I went to playgroup - does that count?)
[x] You're over 5'2.
[ ] You speak some German.
Total = 5

Canadian
[ ] You like/play/played hockey.
[ ] You love beer.
[x] You say eh.
[ ] You know what poutine is.
[ ] You speak some French.
[ ] You love Tim Horton's
[ ] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[ ] You watch/watched Degrassi.
Total = 1

Mexican (Latino)
[ ] You are short, around 5'.
[ ] You spray a lot of perfume/cologne on yourself.
[ ] You're found working in the back (kitchen) of any restaurant.
[ ] You work in Chinese supermarkets.
[ ] You're willing to work for any pay.
[ ] You have jumped over the Great Wall of Mexico (AKA the border fence between USA and Mexico).
[ ] You put lots of gel on your hair.
[ ] You play soccer.
[ ] You love spicy food.
[ ] You put lots of makeup on.
Total = 0

Jewish
[ ] You have a big nose.
[x] You hate Hitler.
[ ] You have a family member who's been in the concentration camps during WWII.
[x] The Holocaust is horrifying.
[ ] You want to take over the world.
[ ] Everybody hates you.
[ ] You wear a Kippah.
[ ] You have a long beard.
[ ] You have read/heard of the The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
Total = 2

American
[ ] You dislike foreigners.
[ ] You hate non - Christians.
[ ] You're lazy.
[ ] You are not cultured.
[x] You hate abortion.
[ ] But love the death penalty.
[ ] You don't read.
[x] You shop at Walmart. (In my defense, I'm a poor college student who lives on a campus in the middle of nowhere. Walmart is the only affordable place TO shop. Though once I'm financially able, I'm totally going somewhere else...)
[ ] You think this survey is rather biased.
[ ] You eat at McDonalds often.
[ ] You are obese/close to being obese.
[ ] You love to criticize things/people when you are in a foreign country.
[ ] You love big things.
[ ] You are wasteful.
total = 2

So...apparently I'm Italian. Which is weird, because out of all my sisters, I'm the only one who didn't get the obvious Italian genes. Got a lot more from my mother's side than I did from my father's... XD

DONE!!!

2008-12-15T23:30:24Z

YES!! I am DONE WITH EXAMS!!! Which also means I'm done for the semester. Yay!! ^_^

I probably failed chemistry, but I seriously don't care. I don't even know WHY I took chemistry. I HATE chemistry, and I was horrible at it in high school! So...why did I take it in college? Anyway, yeah, don't care because, okay, sure, it'll definitely bring down my GPA, but it's been a good learning experience in other ways. Like helping me pick my major. Which is no longer going to be environmental science, and will probably be somewhere in the liberal arts.

Now I just need to pack up so I can go home tomorrow...

Mission 4: Falling Away From Sanity

2008-12-07T18:13:53Z

Many thanks to agenttrojie for betaing. ^_^

This is a bad slash mission, so to stay on the safe side, I advise not reading it at work or school.

Timeline-wise: Late November.

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. The agents Trojie and Pads belong to agenttrojie and tea_fiend. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Falling away from me belongs to kathy lee skyler--not that I want it, of course.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Joyce had been restocking the bleeproduct cabinet, but she was now attempting to pry a terrified mini off of her head. She felt bad that All was so skittish, but the chimera's instant panic attacks were getting annoying. It could be worse, she supposed. He could be intentionally mauling her, as FullMetal had done to Brenden. "What is it this time?" she asked her partner as she calmed the mini down. "Some girl trying to get into Ed's pants again?"

"No..." Singsong said slowly from the console. "It's much worse."

Joyce stroked All's back, which was a little hard to do when he was latched on her head. "Oh. It'd be Havoc's pants, then?"

"Not that much worse."

"Well, what is it?" Joyce asked.

"Bad slash," Singsong answered, with just a hint of distaste. Joyce frowned.

"Do you have a vendetta against that department or something?" Joyce asked, and she had a sudden flashback to when those agents from the DBS had come to adopt the mini-chimera byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple).

"I'm Trojie, this is Pads," the woman standing at the door said, gesturing to the large dog standing next to her. "We're here for that mini?"

"Oh, yeah," Joyce said, taking a few steps back so the agents could enter the RC. "Thanks for coming. You're over in Bad Slash, aren't you?"

"Yeah, we are."

"BAD SLASHERS?!?" That was Singsong, shrieking from where she'd been eating chocolate by her candy cupboard. "WHY are there Bad Slashers in our RC??"

"They're here to pick up byFirst Lieutenant Riza--"

"Fine! Take her! Just get out!" Singsong practically threw the hawk-dog chimera at the confused Trojie, and then started pushing the visiting agents out the door. "Get out of the RC! Out! Now! Out, out, OUT!"

"Can you please control the flashbacks a little better?" Singsong demanded, holding her head. "That hurts! And before you say anything, yes, I do have something against the DBS, and it's none of your business."

"Okay, fine, whatever," Joyce grunted. "C'mon, All, let go."

"Meowhissssssss!"

"So what's this thing about, anyway?" Joyce asked, still working at the mini's grip.

"Looks like Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong said. Joyce nearly fell over.

"What?"

"I said, Roy is molesting Ed," Singsong repeated. Joyce finally yanked All off of her head and dropped him on the floor, ignoring his displeasure. She hurried over to the console to see the horror for herself as Singsong read the summary. "Ed is being forced to do 'favors' for Roy, being determined to protect his brother no matter what. But how long before Ed breaks down? Warning: Yaoi, Rape, Bondage! you know you want to read it you naughty, naughty girl..."

"No," Joyce whimpered. "No, I don't. I really, really don't."

"It's just a little bad slash," Singsong sighed, leaving the console to find the exorcism kit.

"I refuse to go into a fic where my LO rapes my brother!" Joyce snapped, and Singsong realized that convincing her partner to take on this mission would take a little work. Mindful of this, the few sane brain cells left in her cranium came together in an effort to produce a good argument.

"He isn't really your brother," she began, rooting through her candy cabinet for the exorcism kit. "Actually, you're technically related to All and FullMetal more. All of you are the results of bad writing."

"I don't care. I'm not doing it."

Singsong found the exorcism kit hidden behind a stack of Twix bars. She pulled it out of the cabinet, along with most of the Twix. "C'mon, Joyce. It's a nasty job, but someone's gotta do it." It was a trite line to use, but those few brain cells were rather strained from holding on long enough for Singsong to make her argument.

Joyce put a hand to her head. "I don't think I feel so good."

"You don't think? That’s kinda dangerous here in HQ. Come on, let’s go.”

“I have a headache,” Joyce said stubbornly. “And my throat hurts. And I sprained my ankle when I took FullMetal out for a walk. And I’m seeing purple and pink spots, and I think I’m coming down with something.” She coughed for effect. “Get Anj or Brenden to help you out—I need to get to Medical.”

“I am not going to work with Sanderson,” Singsong scowled. “And I’m certainly not going to take Anj away and leave him unsupervised. He'd probably blow up HQ. Besides, they’re DMS, not DBS. They wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Then take someone from DBS!”

Singsong bristled. “Not gonna happen.”

“Well, I’m not going into that fic.”

“Fine then. We’ll stay here and let Roy molest your brother.”

Moment of silence.

“So…how does one do an exorcism, exactly?”

Singsong grinned. “Great! Let’s go!” And, just like that, those few sane brain cells that’d been holding on together so very tightly let go, shooting to the farthest corners of Singsong’s brain to maintain equilibrium. Singsong shoved the exorcism kit into her bag, and Joyce fumbled with the consol’s controls.

“I’m gonna regret this,” she muttered under her breath as she opened a portal. “I’m really, really, really gonna regret this…”

“Can’t be any worse than anything you and Roy did in Ishbal,” Singsong shrugged as she stepped through the portal. Joyce glared after her.

“All, FullMetal, stay,” she told the minis, offhandedly wondering what it’d do to them to watch whatever atrocities were about to occur. Then she followed her partner.

The first thing Joyce noticed about the fic was that she felt like she was being watched.

“Singsong?”

“Hmm?” the other asked around a mouthful of Twix.

“Do you get the feeling that we’re being watched?”

“That’d be the chapter title,” Singsong said. “‘It all stared when’.”

Meanwhile, Edward Elric was standing outside Roy’s office while the author gave the time-honored excuse of a mission report as the reason for his being there. Joyce stared at the words.

“He’s upset because Mustang sent him on a mission to check out something in a town the locals claimed was the Philosopher’s Stone…and it was a painting. Of the Philosopher’s Stone. How does that happen? I thought Military Intelligence was better than that!”

“It’s all just a ploy to get Ed to go to Mustang’s office in a bad mood so there can be sexual tension,” Singsong said. “I thought an ex-Sue would understand that.”

“It was a rhetorical question, you idiot.”

Meanwhile, Ed had entered Mustang’s office and was confronting the man with badly-formatted dialogue.

Roy slowly turned around to face Edward. "You have some explaining to do, you bastard." Roy looked at him blankly. "Huh?" "How could you have NOT noticed what it really was! You made me drag my ass all the way to that town for a stinkin painting! "

“Paragraphs, people,” Joyce groaned, holding her hand out to Singsong. “Hand me the charge list.”

“This is an exorcism. We don’t charge people.”

“What?”

“That’s the way it works,” Singsong shrugged. “Though we do keep note of offences for the mission records… Oh, look, Mustang’s been drinking.”

“What? Why?” Joyce scanned the Words for any mention of Hughes’s death, or other such thoughts that would drive her LO to alcohol during a workday. When she found none, she scowled. “Apparently only so there’s a reason for him to molest Ed. Not that it makes much sense at all… Oh, look, he’s offering alcohol to a minor.”

Then he thought twice about it. "No, you're underage and too small to handle drinkin-" "WHO ARE YOU CALLING PIPSQUEAK SO SMALL THAT IF HE TRIED TO TAKE A DRINK OF A BEVERAGE, HE WOULD FALL RIGHT INTO THE CUP AND DROWN!" Roy then stared at Ed with a smirk on his face. "You're cute when you're angry."

“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “When do we perform this exorcism?”

Singsong shrugged as she chewed on a Milky Way bar. Joyce turned back to the fic, where Ed was shocked at Mustang’s behavior.

"Uh...did you just-was I hearing thin-what did you-Grah! Tell me what you just said!" Roy got up from his chair and leaned close to Ed. "You're also cute when you're gruntled." He added.

“‘Gruntled’? What the heck does that mean?”

“Well, Ed hasn’t sprouted a snout and a curly tail, so I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with pigs…”

“Heh,” Joyce smirked. “A pig. Now that’d be interesting. All those neko-cat-chimera things get annoying after a while…” She trailed off, watching bleakly as Roy pressed Ed down onto the couch. “Oh, good Truth…”

"It will be easier for you if you gave in." Roy whispered to his ear.

“Okay,” Joyce said, turning to her partner as her LO tied her not-brother’s arms behind his back, “since we need to take down charges for the sake of mission report stuff, could you hand me the list?” It’d give her something to do to get her mind off of the ridiculous scene before her and the unnerving feeling of being watched, since she couldn’t lapse into a state of sugar-induced cluelessness like her partner.

“Sure,” Singsong said, rummaging through her pack. “Skittles, Twix, Reese’s, Twix, exorcism kit, M&Ms…” She trailed off, frowning. “Um…”

“Yes?”

“The notepad isn’t in here.”

Joyce slapped her forehead. “Great. Just great. Now what?”

Roy brought out another cloth and within seconds, he was on top of Ed again. Ed thrashed around madly, and stared to call out for Alphonse again. Roy quickly thrust the cloth in his mouth and tied the ends together behind his head. Edward felt a new sense of helplessness and thrashed himself harder, trying to slip out from under Roy. Tears stared to form in his eyes. Roy slid his hand across Ed's cheek, sending shivers down his spine. "Let's have some fun."

“End of the first chapter,” Singsong announced, and Joyce no longer felt like someone was watching her every move. She could scarcely enjoy the relief, however, before chapter two’s author’s note started booming out of the sky.

I don't have much experiance with smex scenes (a more polite way of saying sex, at least for me) so don't be too mean. I COULD have better smex scenes if people can freakin suggest scenes for me, so till then PUT UP WITH THESE SUCKY ONES!

“You have got to be freaking kidding me,” Joyce said. “‘Smex’?”

“Nice of her to be concerned about politeness,” Singsong said as she munched on some M&Ms. Joyce couldn’t tell if her partner was being sarcastic or just clueless.

“Why does she care about politeness? She’s writing a poorly done slash rapefic! Where’s something I can use as a charge list?”

“We can just memorize them,” Singsong suggested.

“It’s the principle of the thing,” Joyce snapped back, not bothering to point out that Singsong probably had the attention span of a goldfish, and thus the memorization would fall solely on the ex-Sue.

Roy started to kiss around Ed's neck, sucking on the skin as he did so. Ed flinched and whimpered, trying to turn his head at an angle so that Roy can have more difficulty kissing his neck.

“Ugh, now she’s switching tenses!” Joyce exclaimed, her fingers itching for a pen and paper.

While Roy threatened to let Ed and Al’s secret loose to the military should Ed not comply, Joyce found relief. There was a Generic Pen laying on Roy’s Generic Desk. She picked it up, happy to have solved half of her problem. Now for paper.

Edward squirmed slightly and moaned, unexpectly. Roy smirked as he looked down at him. I have him all to myself now...
--
Ok. I cut it short. WAAAAAAAAH! I have no idea what to write next, SOMEONE HELP ME! Oh, review.

“SHUT UP!!” Joyce screamed at the ceiling. She frantically looked about for paper. If she couldn’t kill to ease her nerves on this mission, she was quite certain that writing angrily would help…

“There’s no paper,” she said stupidly. “Why isn’t there any paper in a Generic Office? Even a post-it note—” She paused. Of course. The time period was the early 1900s. Which meant there wouldn’t be any post-it notes, or index cards, or any of the other modern office supplies that she’d been introduced to.

Crap.

Though that still didn't explain why there wasn't any blank paper. Joyce wondered if this was the Laws of Narrative Comedy at work.

“The title for chapter three is ‘So’,” Singsong said. “What kind of title is that?”

“What kind of story is that?” Joyce demanded, staring stupidly at the Words.

So, ok. DON'T KILL ME! I promise smex scenes to come! I found a few AWESOME people to help me with those.
Before I do, i've gotten a few complaints and comments so i'm going to ask you guys to vote for certain things to see what YOU want.

Here they are:
--
Double-spacing
A) It's better that way.
B) It's hard to read/ I don't like it
Plot
A) It'll be better with more plot then smex.
B) I don't mind if it doesn't have plot, either way is fine
C) WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT AS LONG AS THERE ARE HOT SMEX SCENES!
--
Just a few comments some people had so i wanted to make sure. I'm open to ANY ideas, so feel free to suggest and get bossy.
If you have ideas for smex scenes (which i usually need help with) write out the scene and send it to me. I will put it in the story
and give credit ONLY to whoever sent me the scene. WILL BE WORSHIPED IF DONE! Thank you. I'll work on the next chapter now.

“I…need…paper,” Joyce said. “Now.”

“Here,” Singsong said, handing over the wrapper of the candy bar she was eating. Joyce yanked it out of her partner’s hand and started scribbling on it furiously.

A moment later, she screamed in fury and threw the wrapper back at Singsong. Apparently, Generic Pens didn’t write well on cellophane.

Meanwhile, chapter four started, complete with stupid author’s note.

Ok, HERE IT IS! (hesitently looks down at typing board) Uh...(sweat drop) Uh...(more sweat) FINE, I'LL JUST WRITE WHATEVER COMES TO MIND!!

--

Roy kept kissing the center of Ed's chest, sucking on the skin as he hungrily felt the outlines of Ed's hips with his hands. It was uncomfortable for Ed as he couldn't shift around with his hands bound behind him.

Unable to take it anymore, Joyce decided to forgo the paper. She rolled up her left uniform sleeve and began writing on her arm.

“Making Roy drink for no reason while he’s at work,” she grumbled, pressing hard on her skin with the pen. “Bad formatting. Making Roy molest Ed. Really stupid author’s notes that take up entire chapters—which, by the way, is against fanfiction.net’s rules.”

Roy went on to untie Ed, and then continued making out with him until Alex Louis Armstrong made a thankfully in-character dramatic entrance.

Just then, the door came flying out of it's frame with Louis Armstrong standing behind it. "Sorry for breaking down your door, sir. That has been passed down my family for generations!" Armstrong said proudly, flexing his muscles. "I wanted to ask-Wha! What are you doing?!"

“Dear Truth, what is that?” Joyce demanded, pointing at the thing that had appeared. It had the body and head of a Great Dane, a peacock’s tail, and large black horns protruding from its head and pincers jutting out from its mouth. And a blond mustache, and a curly lock of hair dangling from its forehead. It stared at Joyce regally, and a little voice in the back of her head proclaimed, These amazingly unique good looks have been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations!

“Good Gate,” she grumbled, and then she clapped her hands. “Louis Armstrong! Come here!”

The mini strolled over in a grand fashion, and Joyce sighed, wondering how much of Armstrong’s character the thing retained. Probably a lot.

Roy was coming up with a lousy excuse for why his tongue was in Edward’s mouth.

"ED! ED, ARE YOU OK NOW!" Ed looked back at Roy, confused and blank. "Good, you're breathing. I thought I lost you." Roy said, smiling inwardly at himself for being a genius. He pretended to notice Armstrong for the first time. "Armstrong, glad you're here." Roy got off of Ed and stood next to Armstrong. "Ed was chocking on his food and after I got him to cough it out, he stopped breathing, so I had to perform mouth-to-mouth."

Joyce bristled and put her pen to her arm. “Causing Roy to come up with stupid excuses that can’t be proven because there’s no food for Ed to choke—Singsong, be careful about how much you put in your mouth at a time!”

“Sowwy,” the other answered, voice muffled.

"Job well done, sir! Edward is fortunate to have someone like you as his superior! Although, I could have helped out. Mouth-to-mouth has been passed down my famliy for generations!" Armstrong beamed, taking off his shirt revealing his muscles and sparkles.

“Causing Armstrong to be so naïve and gullible that he actually bought said stupid excuse.”

Louis Armstrong barked in a regal display of irritation.

"You can go now. I'll be calling you to ask you to come by my house later. Expect punishment for what you did." With that, Roy walked off, leaving Ed to shudder and sink down his knees, wondering what he got himself into.

--

Heh...yeah. (puts arms in front of herself) DON'T KILL ME! I DID MY BEST! I'll make up for that, I SWEAR! And you have to admit, that was funny. Review!

“Next chapter,” Singsong said.

“Why the heck is it titled ‘It begins’?” Joyce demanded. “I thought this thing began four chapters ago!”

“Maybe she’s referring to the beginning of her making a script formatted author’s note?” Singsong suggested. Joyce looked and groaned, seeing that there was indeed script format.

lost cause331: Meep. I would NEVER let Armstrong do mouth-to-mouth on me. Poor Ed. Has to go over to the colonel's house.

“Um, if I was dying, I’d probably be unconscious and have no say in the matter," Joyce said, raising her hand. "And if I wasn’t unconscious I think I’d let whoever could save me do mouth-to-mouth.” She glanced at Louis Armstrong. “Don’t think you could do it, though. What the heck are those pincers for, anyway?”

The mini gazed at her regally, and she sighed.

“Sorry, I’m lost,” Singsong said. “Who is this lost cause331? Because I didn’t think that’s the author’s name.”

Kathy: Yep. Well, finally some lime scenes! Here's a chapter I came up with ALL BY MYSELF!

“There’s the author,” Joyce sighed.

“Oh. Okay.”

lost cause331: Uh...don't you mean the one I wrote for you?

Kathy: Blasemy! Lies!

lost cause331: ...

Kathy: Ok, fine! SHE wrote it.Only to the part where Roy was started to rub soap and stuff. I changed some things though. And by the way, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!! (worships)

“Excuse me?” Joyce demanded as the author’s note ended. “Her reviewer wrote a chapter?”

“Well, yeah, they just said,” Singsong shrugged.

“But—but—”

Ed was reading a book on advanced philosophy in his room.

“Um…since when does Ed care about advanced philosophy?” Joyce demanded. Singsong shrugged. Ed got a call from the colonel.

"Edward. Do you know where my house is?" Came Roy's reply. "Uh, no. No, I don't." Ed lied, hoping he won't have to come over.

"You do know Fullmetal, you've been there in verious occasions." "If you know that I know, why the hell did you ask me?!" Ed exclaimed. "I was testing you. That said, I need you to come. Now." There was a click on the other line as Mustang hung up the phone. Edward angrily slammed his down. Bastard!

“Stupid formatting. Why’d she start a random paragraph?”

Singsong munched on a Twix bar. Louis Armstrong stood looking noble. The scene switched to Ed standing at Roy’s door.

After a long stare, he spoke. "You look tired," Roy said simply. "Of course I'm tired!!You call me in the middle of the night and expect me to cheerfully walk to your house and-gaah!" Roy quickly grabs Ed and pull him in, locking the door after he does so.

“Switching tenses,” Joyce grumbled, writing on her arm.

"Now let me explain the rules." Roy started.

"Rules?! What rules?!" Roy holds up a hand to pause him. "I have information that I will give you daily about the Philosopher's Stone. I will also not tell authorities about your brother's body or the transmutation you two attempted years ago. If...you do what I say. Every time you do something I don't like, expect to be punished."

Joyce wondered how much longer it’d be until they could perform the exorcism.

"Edward, you look tired. A nice bath in my large and deep bathtub should help." Ed nodded gratefully and walked inside the bathroom. Roy then tugs on the bottom of Ed's shirt and starts to pull it up. "C-colonel, w-what are you d-doing?" Ed stammers, trying to pull away. Roy takes off Ed's shirt before removing his own. "I can't leave my guest all by himself, can I." He reasons, smirking.

“Oh…dear…Truth,” Joyce said. Being an ex-Mary-Sue, she knew foreplay when she saw it, and was having simultaneous flashbacks to both her Sue days and the first Mary-Sue and Singsong had killed. Mei Dearle hadn’t been this explicit. She’d just commented on the fact that they’d had sex. This fic, however…

Joyce watched uncomfortably as Roy stripped Ed before whimpering, “Nnnnnn…” and uncomfortably turning away. She was unable to resist reading the words, though, so she knew when Roy forced Ed to come into the bathtub.

Ed is placed between Roy's legs and made to lean back against Roy's chest by two arms around his own chest. Roy takes one of the arms away and prepares a washcloth with sweet smelling body wash. He then starts to gently (scary gently to Ed) wash Ed's upper body.

“Hey, since when does the tub have water in it?” Singsong asked, not sounding at all perturbed.

“Don’t know. Don’t care,” Joyce whimpered. Still, she pulled her sleeve up a little more and wrote Creating plotholes on her arm.

She nearly downed her entire bottle of bleeprin when Roy gave her not-brother a hand-job, but she forced herself not to. She didn’t want to think that there was worse to come, but this was a bad slash fic and she worked for the PPC.

"Why are you crying? You know you liked that." Roy says, kissing the side of Ed's face. "I didn't want that." Ed replys with a quivering voice. Roy ignores him and gently strokes Ed's jawline. Ed sat silent looking down with his tears splating agianst the bathwater.

How long am I gonna have to do this?

“Hopefully not too much longer,” Joyce mumbled, sitting through another author’s note.

Kathy: OHMYGOD!IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT,IDIDIT! I DID IT! I did the scene without chickening out! Yay! All thanks to you!! (hugs Lost cause331 very tightly)

lost cause331: I can't believe the very first time I ever write any thing like that is in a review. I haven't even started practicing yaoi stuff. Or any kind of scenes for that matter.

Kathy: But you did good. Remember onlookers, you can always donate a scene. Not too much, just a little scene to give me an idea. IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE GOOD CHAPTERS, DO THAT! Review. Oh, yeah. BONDAGE SCENES ON THE WAY!! (gasp) I'm gonna have even more trouble with that...

“You Truth-damned IDIOT!!” Joyce screamed. “If you can’t write the stuff, why are you bothering with writing the stuff?! Stop ordering your reviewers to come up with scenes for you! ARGH!!”

“Chapter six, entitled ‘Or else’,” Singsong said cheerfully.

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. It’s just a poll.”

Ok! Right before I write the next scene, i'm gonna ask you guys to take a vote on some more stuff to see what is it that YOU people want. Here it is, VOTE OR THE STORY STOPS! Not only that, I'l selfishly take Ed and Al all to myself for you people to NEVER SEE AGAIN!! Ha,ha,ha,ha!
--
(i'm going to be very specific)
For the Bondage scenes:
a) furry handcuffs
b) rope
c) chains
d) ALL!
Would you approve the use of 'toys'?
a) sure
b) no, not really
LEAST AND MOST IMPORTANT!!
(in one of the later chapers Roy decides to share Ed with someone as punishment. Three-some!! So who should it be?)
Well, first of all would you like a three-some?
a) no
b) says nothing and drools
WHO WILL IT BE?
a) Havoc
b) Hughes
c) Armstrong (pleeeease, don't vote for this! It'll be a little too rough for Ed. No, seroiusly. No.)
d) other character you thought of...(write who in review)
--SO FAR (mostly concertrating on the three-some thing):
Havoc 2
no three-some 4
Envy 1
FINE! NO THREE-SOME! (sobs) I wanted a three-some...
Use of toys: 10 yes So, yeah!

“And that’s it,” Singsong said, popping some Skittles into her mouth.

“That’s it?” Joyce demanded, staring. “That isn’t even a story!”

Chapter seven started with yet another whiny author’s note.

OK! HERE IT IS! I Was gonna look at dojins, but decided FINE i'll finish the chapter! (growls) You readers better make up for this by giving me good doujinshi websites. I also WAS gonna put more plot in it and was gonna write that Ed went home and about a conversation he had with Al that made him decide giving himself to Roy was worth it for his brother and make the story more deep, but right now I don't have much time before my mom comes, and i'm too lazy. Here's another smex scene.

“I hate this girl,” Joyce hissed. “I really, really, really hate her.” She decided that the glare Louis Armstrong was giving the fic must’ve been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations, because it was just that amazing.

The raven-haired man was sitting on a chair in his living room, tapping on a glass he was holding in his hand, waiting patiently for Edward to arrive. He hadn't done much to the boy yesterday, but was planning to have a little more fun today.

“‘Hadn’t done much’?” Joyce repeated. “Oh, sure, he only molested the kid in the bathtub, no big deal!” She paused a moment, thinking, before pulling her sleeve up further and added Pedophilia to the list. She wasn’t sure what the age of legal consent was in Amestris, but then she didn’t really care, either.

Ed showed up at Roy’s house. Roy dragged him up to the bedroom, where he ordered the boy to strip before forcing him onto the bed and binding his arms and legs to the bedposts. Having a very good idea of what was going to happen next, Joyce started to turn around—and stopped, staring at the Words.

Ed looked up and saw that Mustang was holding a cylinder-like object with a round edge that had a cord connected to a control switch.

Joyce whirled back around, watching Roy blindfold Ed and feeling like her stomach was going to explode. “Don’t tell me he’s going to—” she started, breaking off as Roy did just that. “That isn’t even biologically possible!!!” she shrieked. “That—that isn’t supposed to go in there! It’s—it’s not—” She broke off, staring in horror as Roy turned the vibrator on. “OhTruthohTruthohTruthohTruth…”

“See, bad slash missions aren’t all that great, because they’re just as stressful as Suefics, but don’t have the benefit of killing things,” Singsong was explaining to Louis Armstrong. “That’s why more people join the Department of Mary-Sues, or the Department of Floaters, instead of the Department of Bad Slash. That, and the fact that the DBS is filled with weird perverted freaks.” [*falls over laughing* What on *Earth* happened to Singsong? I am *so* curious...]

“I’m sure they’re fine people,” Joyce chided weakly, steadfastly ignoring Roy as he molested her brother again. Nothing could be as weird or perverted as this fic.

“No, they’re weird and perverted,” Singsong insisted, looking upset. “Trust me.” And she muttered something under her breath. Joyce caught the words “Sanderson”, “idiot”, “Luxury”, and “kill him for that”.

Ed, meanwhile, had come to climax, and Roy was kissing him. The chapter ended with, much to Joyce’s dismay, yet another author’s note.

THERE! HAPPY?! Oh, forgot to mention. THE VOTES! People don't seem to like furry handcuffs so , no furry handcuffs.

There will be toys! As you just saw...yeah, too late for that comment.

As for the three-some the majority voted no three-some! (glares angrily at readers) B-but I WANTED a three-some! (sob) Why?! Whhhhhhy?! (sob) REVIEW!

“It’s your fic, you idiot,” Joyce mumbled. “If you want a threesome, write the damn thing.” She looked over at Singsong as chapter eight started. “Can we exorcise this thing yet?”

"I don’t know. Soon, I guess.”

“You guess??”

Chapter eight featured the author's poor attempt at angst, as Ed went back home to Alphonse.

"Ah, look at that," Singsong sighed, popping some M&Ms into her mouth. "The author explains Al's true feelings for his brother... Looks like we'll have to take care of Al, too."

Joyce blinked. "What true feelings? I mean, they're all each other has...they love...each...other..." Her eyes widened as she read the Words. "ELRICEST?!?"

"Yep. It happens. Hang on, chapter nine looks like another Author's note thing... URGENT URGENT NEWS FOR ANY FMA FAN! Wonder what that means..."

Joyce was incoherent, her pen and charge-filled arm forgotten as she stared at Al, who was watching his sleeping brother. "ELRICEST?!?"

"Yeah. You know. When the Elric brothers are being incest...uous..." Singsong trailed off as the author's note that was chapter nine boomed out of the sky.

I went to a comic book store called Myth Adventures and I was reading ANIME INSIDER or some other anime magizine and I SAW SOMETHING BEYOND MARVOLOUS!! It's SOOO wonderful it's almost ORGASMIC!! EEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!
So i was reading the reader letters and one said,
"I heard a rumor from one of my friends in Japan that BONES leaked out information that there was gonna be a new Fullmetal Alchemist series. I wish with all my heart that it was true, but we all knew it ended with the movie."
AND THE RESPONSE WAS!!
"Yes, in fact it's absolutly true. Although we're not sure of the fact that BONES will be sponsering it this time, as we heard they have denyed it. There will be a brand new Fullmetal Alchemist series coming out"
After which i screamed a loud fangirl scream, then everyone in the store turned to stare at me.
BUT YES IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!! HOLLALUYA!! PRIASE THE LORD!! YES! YES! THERE IS A GOD! (runs to a church)

"What?" Singsong demanded.

"Elricest," Joyce growled, pressing the pen to her arm so hard as she wrote the charge that it was a miracle she didn't draw blood. Louis Armstrong watched worriedly.

"ANOTHER FMA series?" Singsong shrieked.

"Why in the world would anyone feel the need to write Elricest?" Joyce demanded, looking to Louis Armstrong for an answer. The mini didn't have one.

"Do you have ANY IDEA what this means?" Singsong asked, turning to the mini-chimera.

"People are SICK PERVERTS!" Joyce raged. "Ed and Al don't love each other like that!"

"We're gonna get SWAMPED with missions!" Singsong shouted, waving her arms dramatically. M&Ms went flying from the open packet in her hand.

"There's a certain beauty to platonic love, you know! People need to learn to appreciate it!"

"There's gonna be a BAJILLION stupid fangirls watching this thing, and they're ALL gonna write badfic for it!"

The peacock-great dane-rhinocerous beetle hybrid looked back and forth between the two agents spilling their woes, uncertain of what to do. Apparently, knowledge of how to act as a therapist had not been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. He barked in what he hoped was an encouraging way.

"Elricest," Joyce snorted, shaking her head in disgust.

"And she can't even spell 'Hallelujah' right," Singsong added. "Another FMA series. The world must hate me. I bet Sanderson's behind this somehow... Maybe he used his precious Star Wars technology to implant the idea of another series into the producers' heads..."

"I refuse to sit through this any longer," Joyce said, glancing at the Words. "Even if there's one short chapter that's two parts whiny author's notes, one part bad attempt at angst. Can we exorcise it now?"

"Sure."

"Alright. Let's do this thing," Joyce said, shoving the pen in her pocket and taking out her alchemy chalk. A quick circle around the oblivious canons later, she yanked the exorcism kit from her partner and opened it. The boxed set of the first half of season one lay inside, along with a bell. Singsong grabbed the latter and started ringing it, causing a loud, annoying clanging sound that got the attention of the canons. Al turned towards them and Ed sat up in the Generic Bed. Joyce picked up the boxed set and, hoping to Truth she was doing it right, started shouting.

"Get thee behind me, Bad Slash! Begone, Angst!" She hit her not-brothers over the heads with the canon material. "Begone, Stupid Author's Notes and Whining! Avaunt, Lack of Caring, Bad Biology, and Rape! Avaunt! The power of Arakawa compells you!"

Joyce had never seen an Author Wraith before, but she assumed that was what the ghostly thing that came out of the Elrics was.

"Hey! This is my story! You can't do that!" it shouted. "If it's so bad, why don't you help me write it! I'll give you links to some really good doujinshis!"

"Avaunt!" Joyce repeated, going to hit the thing with the boxed set, and not being terribly surprised when the DVDs passed straight through the gray form.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (sob)," the Wraith said, and then it was gone.

What happened next was a bit chaotic. Joyce had been standing near enough to Ed and Al to hit them, and thus suddenly found an automail fist engaging her gut. She stumbled backwards, dropping the boxed set to clutch at her stomach while Al shifted into a defensive position and Ed sat up straighter in the bed.

"Okay," the Fullmetal Alchemist snapped. "Who the hell are you, and what just happened, and--" He broke off suddenly, wincing as the laws of biology suddenly came into existence and certain parts of his body experienced excrutiating pain. "What...the...hell?" he gasped, before collapsing back in bed. Alphonse looked worried.

"Brother?"

Joyce, still clutching her stomach, whimpered and wondered where that awful clanging noise was coming from. Then she groaned and slowly straightened before looking at her partner. "Singsong, you can stop ringing the bell."

"Huh? Oh, right." The clanging stopped. Singsong looked at the Elrics. "Okay. We still need to get Roy."

"And Ed needs a doctor."

"You take him to Medical, then. I'll handle Roy."

"You sure?"

"Well, I don't need you drooling all over the exorcism kit," Singsong said, and she left before Joyce could argue. Louis Armstrong regally leapt through the portal after her. The ex-Sue turned to the people who were not her halfbrothers, and a feeling of awkwardness descended upon the room. "Um. Hi."

"Hi?" Al was such a sweet person. A little naive, but sweet.

"Okay, look, I can't really explain what's going on, but I'm here to help. So...you'll just have to trust me."

"Hell no," Ed snapped.

"Okay," Al said cautiously.

"Alphonse!"

"Can you pick him up?" Joyce asked Al as she pulled out her remote activator and opening a portal. At Ed's panicked expression, she added, "It's not the Gate. Come on."

She assumed the man on the other side of the portal was Dr. Fitzgerald. She wondered if she was supposed to explain the problem, but the man simply looked at Ed, directed Alphonse to put him in one of the beds, and got to work. That left Joyce and Alphonse standing together, waiting.

"So," Al said. "What's your name?"

"It's Joyce," she sighed. "Joyce Odelia Reesin."

"Nice to meet you."

"Yeah. You too."

"I'm Al."

"I know."

"Done," Dr. Fitzgerald announced as Ed stood up. "You'd better get them back now."

"Kay. Thanks." Joyce opened a portal. Singsong and Louis Armstrong were on the other side, along with a very confused-looking Roy Mustang.

"Oh, good, you're back," Singsong said, pulling out a neuralyser and putting on her sunglasses. Joyce grabbed her own pair and jammed them on her head before her partner went FLASH-crazy. As an afterthought, she scooped up the mini-chimera and covered his eyes. "Everyone, if you would please look at the red light. It will answer all your questions."

FLASH.

"Roy, you did not molest Ed. You did not...do anything with a vibrator. You never did anything of that sort to Ed. Ed, Roy never did any of those things to you. Al, you do not love your brother in anything other than the platonic sense. Everyone got that? Good. Let's go."

Once back in the RC, Louis Armstrong became acquainted with All and FullMetal. Joyce dropped the exorcism kit on the floor and collapsed in a chair while the minis sniffed each other curiously.

"I hate bad slash," she announced. "Especially incest. WHY?"

Singsong didn't answer. She was avidly searching for something on the console's screen. After a moment, her shoulders slumped.

"Dammit."

"What?"

"There is another FMA series coming out." She took a deep breath. "And it's based more on the manga than the first."

"Something wrong with that?" Joyce wondered. "Aside from the whole 'getting swamped with fics' thing..."

"Havoc's a bit more prominent in the manga."

"...Oh." Yeah, that could be a problem. Singsong was deadly when it came to protecting her LO. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"No, it won't. You just said it would be, so the Laws of Narrative Comedy will make sure it isn't. My life sucks."

"Hey, I just watched my brother get raped by my Lust Object."

"They're not your brothers!"

"Well...yeah."

Fic Notes: Um...there is no describing how stupid, idiotic, and downright ANNOYING this one was. I mean, seriously. If you can't WRITE slash, WHY are you WRITING SLASH? And the author's constant begging, threatening, pleading, and bargaining for help from her reviewers was just... UGH. Seriously, people... >.< There were probably more author's notes in this fic than actual fic. Original fic here: Falling away from me

Well. Poor Joyce is probably scarred for life now. Poor thing. XD As for Singsong, don't worry, her little vendetta against the DBS will be explained later on.

Also, the mini-chimera Louis Armstrong is up for adoption, should anyone want him. He has a very noble and regal personality, and everything he does is a trait that's been passed down to Armstrong minis for generations. Though this wasn't really explained, he's also exceedingly strong, thanks to both the character he was meant to be, and the part of him that's rhinoceros beetle. As a special bonus, here's a badly-put-together picture. XD

anjilly @ 2008-12-04T12:36:00

2008-12-04T17:40:21Z

On the twelfth day of Christmas, anjilly sent to me...

Twelve tea_fiends drumming

Eleven julyflames piping

Ten ansela_jonlas a-leaping

Nine lily_winterwoods dancing

Eight mynameismads a-milking

Seven velf79s a-swimming

Six trees a-writing

Five ma-a-a-ary-sues

Four wolves

Three lighting boards

Two star wars

...and a chocolate in a fantasy.

Yanked from tea_fiend, who yanked it from agenttrojie.

*looks at list* Eleven JulyFlames...I think the world's gonna end... IN FIRE!!! XD

Ha! Take THAT, computer virus!

2008-11-19T23:16:47Z

Ha! It took me a week to hunt down the technician, set a date to reformat the computer, set another date when the site we needed to reformat the computer was down for the first time in all of existence, get all my documents transferred, and sit through the process of wiping the harddrive down and reinstalling windows, but I FINALLY got my virus infection solved. ^_^

Ha! Stupid computer virus...

*goes off to watch a movie on the Nuremburg Trials for English class*

Kriffing computer viruses...

2008-11-15T18:12:01Z

So. My dear, darling laptop, Eddie (named for the ship's computer in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), contracted a couple viruses the other day, and my college's technology crew seems to be taking their good ol' time fixing the problem. In the meantime, I'm stuck using the library computers, which would be perfectly fine and all if it wasn't for the fact that the latest mission I'm working on is the only thing I haven't stored on G-docs yet... >.<

Lesson learned. ALWAYS store EVERYTHING on G-docs immediately. *sigh*

But, yeah, wanted to let it be known that, while I may appear to be dying again so soon after coming back, there's a reason for it. XD

Interlude 2: When Good Walks Go Bad

2008-11-11T04:12:42Z

A nice, happy interlude between missions--no fandom knowledge required! Well, okay, maybe SOME is required. You just need to understand that Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, hates being called "short". Or "small". Or "tiny". Or any other such synonyms. And this character trait apparently carried over to his minis.

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Agents Library and JF belong to julyflame, and Agents Trojie and Pads belong to agenttrojie and tea_fiend respectively, who kindly let me borrow them for a cameo. (Well, okay, Trojie technically gave me permission to use Pads...and technically they're only MENTIONED, they don't actually show up...) Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. Star Wars and everything having to do with it belongs to George Lucas. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. I think that covers everything...

This interlude is set sometime in May 2008, shortly after Joyce and Singsong had their third mission together and Agent July snapped in action and disappeared. Many, many thanks to JulyFlame for betaing....and for putting up with my taking FOREVER to post this. XD

“I don’t see why I have to come with you,” Singsong complained as she and Joyce walked down the hallway, following their mini-chimeras. “You seem to be doing just fine watching them on your own.”

“It isn’t watching them that I’m afraid of,” Joyce answered, nodding at All and FullMetal. “It’s other agents that I’m afraid of.”

"...Why?”

“Because, Singsong,” Joyce sighed, “I’m an ex-Sue. And I don’t feel like getting skewered by any agents who think otherwise.”

“But…you’re an agent.”

“An ex-Sue agent.”

“But…you’re still an agent.”

Joyce groaned. “Yes, but I was a Sue, and seeing as basically everyone working here has this thing about killing Sues, I tend to worry about my survival, you know?”

“I don’t see why you have to worry so much,” Singsong shrugged, unwrapping a Kit-Kat bar. “Everyone here’s pretty understanding and accepting. No one really cares.”

“Singsong, you do realize that that whole macrovirus epidemic was begun by two Sues posing as ex-Sue agents, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So, after that fiasco, there’s a good chance that a lot of people are feeling especially wary now.”

“But…you’re an agent.”

Joyce groaned, wondering why she’d been paired up with such a clueless partner. She got an answer from the voices coming from farther up the hallway.

“I’m just saying, Anj! The kriffing Suethor had Sueified Aayla Secura! Aayla Secura! And you didn’t expect me to go ballistic on the author wraith?”

“Look, Brenden, I know Aayla’s your LO, but firing several blaster packs’ worth of ammo into an author wraith doesn’t exactly do much…”

“It dissipated the thing, didn’t it? And how come I’m not allowed to protect my LO, yet whenever someone bastardizes Envy, you’re allowed to go into a frenzied rage?”

“I—I—it isn’t frenzied!”

Right, Joyce remembered. That was why she was stuck with Singsong. Brenden and Anjilly had been playing matchmaker. Or partnermaker, or whatever.

“It always looks like a frenzy to me,” Brenden was saying as he and Anj approached.

“It’s a controlled frenzy!” Anjilly exclaimed. “Controlled! You just randomly shoot things! Oh, hi Joyce!”

“Don’t try to change the subj—oh, hey Joyce, Dingdong.”

“Singsong,” Singsong scowled.

“Fancy meeting you here!” Anj smiled, obviously meaning to take the subject change as far as it could go. “What’re you two up to?”

“Just out for a walk,” Joyce answered. She glanced worriedly at Singsong and Brenden, who seemed to be in an extremely intense staring contest. Anj noticed as well, but looked less worried about the situation and more relieved that her partner had been distracted.

“Walk?” Anj repeated. “That’s nice. Brenden and I are on our way to DoSAT.” She held out a blackened piece of metal and wires. Joyce stared at it.

“What in the worlds is that?”

“It was a CAD,” Anj grimaced.

“I told her not to point it at Obi-Wan,” Brenden said, tearing his gaze away from Singsong to look at his partner. “It was obvious he couldn’t touch canon with a long pole when he started kissing Aayla! But does she listen to me? No-o-o!”

“Well, why would anyone listen to you, Sanderson?” Singsong jabbed. “Your voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.”

“Same goes for your face, Dingdong.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“You don’t make any sense.”

“Shut up, Sanderson.”

“You shut up, Dingdong.”

“You really need to work on your comebacks, instead of just repeating everything I say.”

While Brenden considered his next choice of words, Joyce interjected, “Say, have you two seen our minis yet?”

“Minis?” Anj repeated. “You have minis?”

“Yeah, a pair of mini-chimeras,” Joyce said, looking up and down the hallway. “All! FullMetal!” There was some scampering, and the two minis in question came bounding around a corner. “There you are!” Joyce beamed.

“Aw, they’re adorable!” Anj gushed, kneeling down to pet the minis. “I’m assuming the armadillo-cat is All.”

“Well, yeah,” Joyce nodded.

“That thing ate all our bleeprin,” Singsong grumbled. “It’s addicted to the stuff.”

“Like you’re one to talk, Dingdong,” Brenden snorted, watching as she poured a bag of Skittles into her mouth.

“Shut up, Sanderson.”

“Heh, FullMetal’s part dog,” Anj snickered. “Figures.”

“I can’t tell what the rest of him is, though,” Joyce said. Anj looked the mini over.

“I think it looks like a Tasmanian devil. Nasty creatures.”

“His front right and hind left legs are automail, too,” Joyce pointed out.

“Yeah, I noticed,” Anj said as she stood up. “Neat.”

Brenden was scrutinizing FullMetal. “That’s an exceptionally mini mini,” he observed.

At the time, it all seemed to happen in slow motion, but looking back, Joyce realized it must’ve only been a few seconds. FullMetal launched into the air with an angry growl and plastered himself to Brenden’s face. The agent fell, screaming and clawing at the mini, Singsong started laughing hysterically, and Anjilly watched with an exasperated expression. Joyce immediately grabbed FullMetal and attempted to pry him off of Brenden’s face.

“FullMetal!” she shouted. “Bad! Bad mini!”

At the word “mini”, the mini-chimera growled even more fiercely.

“Bad chimera!” Joyce tried. “Bad! Get off him! Right now!”

On the floor, Brenden was thrashing about in a panic. “Get it off! Get it off!”

“Serves you right for existing, Sanderson!” Singsong cackled.

“FullMetal! Off!” Joyce ordered, still pulling at the chimera. At this point, though, the mini was beyond reason. She glanced around for help. Singsong was laughing manically and probably wouldn’t bother raising a finger to come to Brenden’s aid. Anj, meanwhile, was bleakly watching her partner’s predicament before turning around to greet a pair of agents who happened to be walking down the hallway.

“Hi Library, July. How’s it going?”

“Um…fine?” Library answered, staring at Brenden.

“That’s good to hear,” Anj said. “How’ve you guys been? Last time I saw you was during that 1984 mission you dragged us in to help with.”

“Oh, yes, that,” Library nodded. “Feels like ages ago. I’ve been alright, I suppose.”

“That’s good. Glad someone’s having a relatively sane—wait…” Anjilly peered closer at Library’s partner. “That’s not July, is it?”

“AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!” Brenden was screaming. “GET IT OFF!!!”

“I’m trying!” Joyce shouted. “FullMetal, please!”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrowf!”

“Stupid chimera,” Joyce grumbled. Granted, that didn’t really help things much.

“OWOWOWOWOWOW!”

“This is better than television,” Singsong remarked.

“This is JulyFlame, or JF,” Library was explaining to Anj. “She’s…an old avatar of July’s.”

“Hi,” JF said brightly. Anj blinked.

“But…where’s July?”

“Get it off!” Brenden shrieked. “GET IT OFF!”

“FullMetal!” Joyce snapped, now pulling earnestly at the mini, who was clinging to Brenden’s head as tightly as possible. “Bad chimera! Get off now!” She thought over her options. Singsong was still laughing and wouldn’t be much help. Anj was engaging those other agents in conversation to ignore the problem, and the self-preserving part of Joyce was glad her friend was distracting them. The last thing she wanted was to be killed while she was too busy to defend herself. Still, it meant that there was one less person to help Brenden.

“Pity we gave byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) to Trojie and Pads,” she grunted. “I bet he’d listen to her. Heck, Hawkeye is probably one of the few people Edward Elric would listen—” She broke off as she came upon a brilliant realization, and turned to the only option she had left. “All, get up here and make your brother calm down.”

“And now July’s missing and no one knows where she is.” Library finished.

“No one knows?” Anjilly repeated.

“No one.”

“Is there any chance she could be going flamethrower-crazy somewhere in HQ?” Anj asked, looking terrified. “Should we get back to our RCs and lock the doors?” Library shook her head.

“I don’t think that’s necessary. I think she actually left the building.”

Anj blinked. “Left the building?”

“Yes.”

“You can do that?”

“There’s life outside HQ!”

All was working his brotherly magic on FullMetal, meowing pleadingly. Brenden was still flailing under the mini’s attack.

“Brenden, you have to calm down!” Joyce told him. “Just stop moving and this could all end faster, okay?”

“Keep moving!” Singsong laughed.

“Pay no attention to her,” said Joyce, wondering what had gotten into her partner.

“Like I ever do!” Brenden snapped, slowly calming down. “Okay Joyce, I’m calming down, see?” He was only squirming a little now. “Now hurry up and get your blasted—YEEOOOWWWCH!!!” The moment he’d completely stopped moving, FullMetal had clawed at the man’s head even harder. All growled reproachfully at his brother. “GET IT OFF!!!”

“So no one even knows if she’s okay or not?” Anj asked Library.

“No.”

“Wow,” Anj said again. She looked at JF. “And you two are working together now?”

“Mm-hmm,” Library nodded.

“Is this normal?” JF asked, gesturing to Brenden.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Anj sighed. “I need to get to DoSAT,” she grumbled, looking at her ruined CAD.

“We’re going that way…at least, I think DoSAT is on the way to the cafeteria,” Library said.

“Oh?” Anj asked, sensing an opportunity. “Want to walk together?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“It’s been great Joyce, Singsong!” Anj called over her shoulder as she and the other two left. “‘Fraid I have to go now, though! Later!”

“Wait! You forgot your partner!” Joyce shouted as All managed to coerce FullMetal into letting go. Anjilly merely waved as she rounded a corner with Library and JF. On the floor, Brenden groaned and laid still.

“Is he dead?” Singsong asked eagerly. Joyce looked at her partner oddly.

“No.”

“Drat,” Singsong sighed. “Well, at least he got mauled.” She scooped FullMetal up in a hug, the first time Joyce ever remembered her doing so. “FullMetal, you’re the best chimera in the whole world, you know that?”

All meowed disapprovingly at the attention his brother’s ego was getting.

“Brenden’s bleeding,” Joyce said, carefully touching the agent’s mercifully mini-chimera-free face.

“Really? Is there a chance he’ll die of bloodloss?”

Joyce rolled her eyes. “No, Singsong. There isn’t.”

“Pity.”

“So…what do we do now?”

“Kill him?” Singsong suggested. “Leave him here for BM to find? I know certain ones among them would certainly like to skin him alive…”

“No, Singsong. We aren’t just going to leave him here, alright?”

“Fine, fine,” Singsong sighed. “Take away all my…fun…” She trailed off, a light coming into her eyes.

“Singsong?” Joyce asked worriedly, wondering what sort of vile plan her partner had now.

“I suppose there’s only one thing we can do, if he’s hurt,” Singsong smirked.

“What’s that?”

“Take him to Medical.”

Sweet dreams, Opus

2008-11-05T03:47:29Z

Okay, so I know I've kinda been dead lately, and am very slowly coming back to life. Real Life tends to do that. Anyway, I wanted to post something about a certain penguin who I'm going to miss very, very much. *points at userpic*

I absolutely adore Opus and the denizens of Bloom County. They helped me get through otherwise-boring Sunday afternoons at my grandparents' house. Because of them, I now know and understand more about 80s politics and pop culture than any kid I know in my generation. They were my introduction to political satire. They reminded me how to appreciate the little meaningful things in a huge, impersonal, and scary world.

I have mixed feelings about Opus's end. Berk Breathed has good reasons for it--with the world becoming as dark as it is, he doesn't want to be yet another naysayer chattering on about the political climate and other such depressing things--and he definitely doesn't want our beloved penguin to become that, either. Opus is loved because of his optimistic and naive personality--something it'll be hard for Mr. Breathed and many others to keep as time goes on. Thus his decision to quit comic strips and political satire altogether, and write children's books to lighten up the coming days. At the same time, I can't help but think that said upcoming days will be just a little bit darker without a certain penguin there to make us smile as he philosophizes in his meadow.

So while the election goes on and the economy continues in its downward spiral, I'm going to take some time to fondly remember a large-nosed penguin and his enchanting optimism. I will always love dandelions. Patches of blue flowers will always make me think of "running nekkid through the periwinkle". To Kill A Mockingbird will always be a classic. Bill D. Cat will always be a better presidential candidate than anyone in the Real World. Bowties and Carmen Miranda fruit hats are stylish, basselopes and the Starchair Enterpoop are awesome, Anxiety Closets are neccesary evils, Billy and the Boingers is the greatest band in existence, and "I've got a waffle burning!" is the perfect excuse for running away from any situation.

And I have to hand it to Berkeley Breathed--as sad as it is to see Opus and everyone else in Bloom County go, he managed to pull it off beautifully. The same humor, political satire, nostalgia, and meaningfulness that have made the last twenty-eight years of strips so amazing are still present in these last seven. And I have to say that the last three strips here really make me choke up. The not-quite-ghosts of Binkley, Oliver, Portnoy, Cutter John, Milo, and Bill were a perfect final reminder of days gone by. And Steve's face in the second-to-last one really gets me...I've never seen the hedonistic jerk so...man, I don't even know what that emotion is, but it's an emotion, and it's beautiful.

Thank you, Mr. Breathed, for the past twenty-eight years, even though I wasn't alive for eleven of them. Sweet dreams, Opus.

Theatre-filled weekend

2008-06-09T16:31:21Z

Saw Les Miserables last night, which was beyond awesome. I'm in love with that music. It was beautiful.

Also saw Prince Caspian on Saturday, which I thought was pretty good, despite the obvious divergences from the book. I understand why they did it--after all, the book's more about learning about what's going on and strategy than actual huge battles. And that extra scene where the mice tied up the cat was just adorably hilarious. XD The Caspian vs. Peter plotline grated on my nerves a bit, but it worked. The big battle at the end was awesome--I loved seeing the trees fighting, and collapsing the support systems of the caves so the Telmarines fell in was pretty cool to watch. The one thing I really couldn't stand was the Susan/Caspian plotline, because it added nothing but a few cute puns, wasn't all that well developed, served no purpose, and appeared to just be tacked on for the heck of it. I'm thinking they were trying to add something to make it harder for Susan to leave Narnia, but I dunno...it just didn't work.

And, one last thing--in the glorified commercials before the previews, there was something about this new Star Wars: Clone Wars animated film/series thing. Okay, I don't really mind George Lucas continually bringing out more Star Wars whatnot, because I love Star Wars and most of it's canon. However, in this new series, Anakin apparently gets a Padawan. A girl Padawan. Who's feisty and pretty and independent. George Lucas claims that she's a challenge for Anakin, since she's so much like him and he realizes he needs to set a better example, but I don't know. She seems pretty Sueish to me.

If they insert a canon-Sue into his home continuum, Agent Brenden Sanderson won't be able to be held responsible for his actions... Actually, would he even be upset? Seeing as she'd be part of the canonical history of Star Wars? Huh, that's something to think about...

Mission 3: Not Quite an Angel

2008-06-03T23:53:06Z

Many, many, many thanks to julyflame for betaing. Admittedly, Pads, she isn't as much of a Grammar Nazi as you are, so please don't come after either of us if you find anything in here to your dissatisfaction. XD

Also, timeline-wise, this takes place shortly after Interlude 1, in which Singsong harassed Brenden during his stay in Medical.

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Platinum Angel and Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christine Avalon belong to BridgitKiido--not that I want either, of course.

Singsong hummed happily as she returned from Medical. She hadn’t been able to drive Brenden insane for as long as she’d wanted to, but the look on his face when she’d called him a Gary-Stu had made up for it.

When she got back to the RC, Singsong found Joyce restocking a cabinet that hadn’t been there before.

“I found the General Store,” Joyce announced, placing bottles of bleeprin into the cabinet. Singsong scrutinized it. The cabinet was several feet off the floor, and it was decorated with numerous carved roses and vines.

“Where the heck did that come from?” Singsong asked, though she had what passed as an idea in her head.

“I transmuted it,” Joyce said simply. Singsong noticed that the wall around the cabinet had a nice chunk taken out of it to create the new storage space. “I figured we wanted somewhere safe to store the bleeproducts where All can’t get at them.”

From his spot on the bed, the mini-chimera mewed pitifully.

“I already gave you some,” Joyce chided. “Go play with FullMetal or some—”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Singsong shoved a generous amount of candy into her bag as Joyce looked at their newest assignment. The ex-Sue was also stroking All comfortingly, trying to get the mini’s fur to stop standing up straight. Yes, All was a skittish little thing.

“Huh, it’s mangaverse,” Joyce said. “Just a twoshot, too.”

“Good,” Singsong said, checking her weapons. “Shouldn’t take too long, then. What’s the summary?”

“Havoc thought he'd lost everything. But there's someone else out there who may have lost even more than himself,” Joyce read. Singsong froze.

“Havoc?” she repeated.

“Yeah. It’s Havoc/OC.” Joyce watched her partner take a deep breath and add a dozen extra bags of skittles to the candy she was bringing. “Isn’t he your LO?”

Singsong didn’t answer—she merely grabbed her pack and a rifle, checked to be sure the weapon was loaded, and opened a portal. “Let’s go,” she said, looking quite determined. Joyce put All down, grabbed her pistol, and followed.

After the author’s note, the fic started out in the midst of an interesting rainstorm. Buckets of water were falling from the sky. Joyce read the Words.

“Rain poured down in buckets,” she said. “Right.” Then they were in a hospital room.

The weather, however, did very little to worsen the already dismal mood in one of the hospital’s rooms, where two young military men – their ranks second lieutenant and colonel – lay, guarded over byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and her faithful dog. The two men were playing cards, or at least attempting, seeing as the second lieutenant couldn’t get out of the bed at all.

byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) happily came over to the agents. The mini-chimera was a sort of mix between a golden retriever and a hawk, giving a griffin-like appearance. Joyce reached down and scooped the creature up, being careful of its wings. “The poor thing’s name’s bigger than she is,” she grumbled. “Put some spaces between words, for the love of Truth!”

“Come on, Havoc,” the colonel said as he drew a card and put it in his hand, frowning. “Don’t be so down in the dumps. After all, your mood affects your performance and thus my standing. Got any threes?”

Singsong shook her head. “Havoc’s performance doesn’t matter anymore, seeing as he’s not going to ever be able to work again.”

“Why is Havoc in the hospital?” Joyce asked, doing her best to not drool over Roy Mustang as the colonel and the second lieutenant played cards.

“How well do you know the mangaverse?”

“Not very.”

“Long story short, Lust skewers Havoc right through the spine. He’s paralyzed from the hips down.”

“…Ouch.”

“I don’t want to see how the Sue manages to make herself lose even more,” Singsong grumbled.

“And I was looking forward to the real perks of life, too. Getting a pretty wife, having a few kids… but now, there’s not a girl out there who’d even consider dating me.”

“Shows our Suethor’s inner thoughts on disabled people,” Singsong glowered. “Unless they happen to be cute and angst-ridden, I suppose.” She pulled a pencil and pad of paper from her pack and began writing down charges.

“Don’t be silly, Havoc,” the first lieutenant stated in her usual dead-pan way, attempting to console him. “Women like brave men, especially war heroes. As soon as word gets out about this, girls will flock to your side, tending to your injuries.”

Joyce pulled out her CAD and aimed it at Riza.

[Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of Character 34.72%]

“Yeah, she wouldn’t try to console him quite like that…”

“Charge for making Riza encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends,” Singsong muttered. “Really, it’s obvious that all of Roy’s get on her nerves, and it’s probable that she thinks Havoc’s never-ending quest for the perfect girl is a waste of time.”

There was a bit more dialogue during which Roy won the card game, and Havoc lapsed into a sort of angsty silence.

The silence was broken, however, by Black Hayate suddenly noticing someone outside the door. He barked twice to announce the new person's arrival.

Riza stood up on impulse and, without a second's hesitation, pulled out her gun, pointing it toward the door.

“Riza controls herself better than that!” Singsong hissed. “They’re in a glaurunging hospital, not a war zone!” She wrote down another charge. Joyce looked at her CAD. [Riza Hawkeye. Human female. Canon. Out of character 43.80%]

"Um, if this is a bad time, I can always come back later," the person in the door said quietly, stepping inside to reveal herself to be a young woman sporting a knit blue sweater and pair of white gloves, as well as a relatively long black skirt. The glint of a silver pocket watch shone on her side, although it was hard to see since her arms hardly moved at all to prevent it from being covered up.

Singsong snickered at the image of the person in the door. Joyce, meanwhile, winced at the description of the Sue’s clothing, having flashbacks to her own days as a Sue. Then she did a double-take at the Words. “Wait, if she isn’t covering it up, how is it hard to see?” She stepped to the left in time to avoid a small logic loophole.
“Huh. I think I’m getting better at this."

Roy introduced the girl.

"Stand down, Lieutenant Hawkeye. This is Major Avalon, a State Alchemist previously working in investigations under Lieutenant Colonel Hughes... well,while he was still a Lieutenant Colonel. Although I have no idea what a busy Major such as herself would be doing here, visiting wounded soldiers." Hawkeye lowered her gun just a little bit.

“A little bit?” Joyce repeated. “Just a little bit? She wouldn’t disobey direct orders from Roy!” She pointed her CAD, which revealed that Riza was now forty-eight-point-thirty-six percent out of character. “Ugh!”

“Getting protective of your Lust Object’s significant other, are we?” Singsong asked.

“…Maybe. It’s not just that, though—Riza’s nice! And too cool to be—to be used like this!”

Roy mentioned that the Sue had been looking into Hughes’s death.

“But…Bradley didn’t want anyone to look into Hughes’s death,” Joyce pointed out, as the Sue went on to say that she’d had to stop the investigation due to her accident. Riza was used to explain the Sue’s predicament.

"Ah, yes," Hawkeye said, putting her gun away. "I heard about you. From what I heard, you were helping a small group of Ishballan refugees to a new camp when a freak accident caused you to become paralyzed in just your arms, with no nerves left to attach auto mail to. Hmm, sort of like Havoc here, who's now unable to move his legs." Havoc looked up slightly

“Wait, is it possible to become paralyzed in the arms?” Joyce wondered. Singsong frowned.

“Well…not without paralyzing the legs as well, it isn’t. It would take a hit to the actual spinal cord.”

“So that’s a charge, then?”

“Yep. Though I’d like to see how she rationalizes it first…”

Joyce suddenly realized something. “Singsong…you haven’t eaten any candy since we got into the fic, have you?”

The other grimaced. “She’s after Havoc. I can’t afford to be distracted!”

And Singsong was obviously very focused on the fic. Her eyes weren’t glazed, for one, her mood was more stable, she appeared relatively calm, and, well, a lot more there than usual.

“You should stay off the sugar more often,” Joyce said. “It does wonders for your personality.”

Singsong stared at her. “Stay off the sugar? Are you insane?”

Joyce sighed and elected to watch the Sue show off her alchemy, creating a sort of metallic hand that extended from her back.

"Transmutation circles in my shoes let me transform the metal plate on my back into arm-like substitutes, so that I can at least utilize something similar to them. I'm still not perfect at it though, and it takes a lot of energy to do, so I can't do it too much without resting. I sort of envy Havoc there, because although he can't move his legs, he could still utilize some sort of chair with wheels to get around. He, at least, can move his arms easily still, so that he can affect things even if he can't easily move there to do it."

Havoc blinked once or twice. Was he hearing this right?

“Am I hearing this right?” Singsong demanded. “You don’t walk into a hospital room and tell some guy who just lost the use of his legs how lucky he is! I mean, okay, sure, losing the use of your arms is probably worse—albeit impossible—but the poor man’s probably still in shock! I mean… Gah! It’s just rude! And if you’ve just lost the use of your arms, you should have some inkling of what he’s going through!” She tore at her hair. Joyce frowned.

“You know…other than her I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You-Are standpoint and her Holier-Than-Thou attitude and the bad biology, the story isn’t all that bad and stuff…” Joyce said slowly.

“Meh,” Singsong shrugged, writing down another charge. Joyce patted byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) and watched the Sue give Havoc a little gift box thing that was supposed to give him a hint at what her state alchemist title was.

“It could be better, definitely, but still…”

“Are you trying to tell me something?” Singsong asked as Roy asked the Sue out to dinner just so he could tease Havoc.

"Hey Major, would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Avalon turned toward the colonel, her face not as happy as it had been a moment ago, and stated, "I'm sorry, Colonel Mustang sir, but I must refuse. My parents and I are having dinner tonight, as we've had planned for two months already. Besides, you're still too weak to go out, correct?" She then departed.

Singsong scowled. “And so the Suethor makes her Sue destined to be with Havoc by having her snidely dump Roy.” She glanced at Joyce. “Shouldn’t you be more upset by this?”

Joyce frowned. “I…well…she reminds me of me.”

Singsong cocked an eyebrow. “Reminds you of you? How the heck does a Mary-Sue remind you of…” Pause. “Wait a minute…you’re an ex-Sue, aren’t you?”

Joyce’s eyes rolled in exasperation. “Yes.”

“…Oh.”

There was a moment of silence, during which Havoc opened the gift box thing from the Sue.

Inside was a small pendant, with a charm of pure platinum in the shape of a single downy feather.

“You weren’t this bad,” Singsong said at last. “Well, that’s what Anj and Sanderson say at least, and while I don’t trust Sanderson, I do trust Anj. And Anj says you were just really angsty.”

Joyce frowned and ignored the author’s note booming from the sky, which was calling the fic a oneshot. Apparently, the author hadn’t thought she was going to write another chapter. “Well, this one’s angsty too…less than I was, actually.”

“That doesn’t make her any better,” Singsong said with a wave of her hand. “Your only problem was the angst…and the sex scenes. According to Anj, at least.
Character-wise, you were pretty well-off. This girl’s character is stuck-up, holier-than-thou, pity-me-because-I’m-worse-off-than-you-but-I-don’t-need-pity-because-I’m-so-strong, and just downright annoying.”

Joyce didn’t remember the Sue outright saying that she didn’t need pity. She supposed that it was more-or-less implied and that Singsong’s protectiveness of Havoc was picking up on and emphasizing it. “I don’t know, Sing…”

“You’re only acting like this because it isn’t your LO she’s after,” Singsong said as they moved on into chapter two. “If you start trying to save every Sue we come across, I’ll have to kill you.”

It was meant to be a joke, but Joyce still flinched. “Right. Sure.”

Every so often, between visits from his parents and retirement people, Major Avalon would visit the young Second Lieutenant. He appreciated her company, although usually it was just the two of them playing cards.

“How sweet,” Singsong said dryly.

“Could be worse,” Joyce shrugged. “Did I ever tell you about the one time Roy got wounded in Ishbal--”

“Don’t tell me,” Singsong snapped. “I don’t need to deal with whatever hurt/comfort scene your Suvian instincts drove you to.”

Joyce smirked. “Then there was the time I got wounded in Ishbal…”

“Please don’t tell me,” Singsong said, and Joyce suddenly noticed that her partner’s hands were shaking ever so slightly. She frowned.

“Um…Singsong? You okay?”

Singsong looked at her hands and blinked. “Oh.” She pulled a bag of Skittles from her knapsack, carefully ripped it open, and rationed out three of the candies, which she ate. The rest of the bag went back into the knapsack. Joyce watched skeptically.

“You’re that addicted, huh?”

“Well…yeah.”

“You lasted longer without sugar in our first mission.”

“It wasn’t quite so harrowing.”

“The girl didn’t know what punctuation was!”

“Yes, but she wasn’t going after Havoc.”

“So, Lieutenant, what were you reading?”

“Oh, it’s just something I picked up to pass the time,” Havoc replied as he dealt the cards.

“Wait, cards?” Joyce repeated. “How is she playing cards if she can’t use her hands?”

“Doesn’t say,” Singsong said, scanning the Words. “Look out for that logic loophole.”

“I saw it…”

The two of them had set up a small table relatively close to the bed, and Avalon had helped Havoc to sit up on the edge of the bed. “Some of the more public records about the State Alchemists. I was trying to look you up, and I think I found you. Your second name is Platinum Wing, correct?”

“I hate it when authors can’t think up good state alchemist titles, don’t you?” Singsong asked. “Though I’ll admit that this one’s better than the Crystal Blood Alchemist, or the Dark Tears Alchemist, or the Floral Blossom Alchemist…”

Joyce coughed. Singsong smirked.

“Sorry, Rosebud.”

“Please don’t call me that…”

Avalon smiled. “That’s correct; when I was in service, I was known as the Platinum Wing Alchemist. Of course, that’s almost all in the past now; due to my injuries, I believe I’m probably going to have to retire soon.”

“Why hasn’t she retired yet?” Joyce asked. “I mean…it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“It’s so she has an excuse to hang out with Havoc,” Singsong said, rolling her eyes. “In the manga, though, Havoc filed for retirement almost immediately after he realized he couldn’t be healed. This Sue should’ve done the same as soon as possible, like, after being stable enough to live on her own. The military probably wouldn’t be happy having a useless soldier in its ranks, getting paid for nothing.”

Havoc, meanwhile, was talking to the Sue about the big secret behind how she’d gotten her injury—presumably from that freak accident while escorting a group of Ishballans.

“Things don’t quite add up with that, though. These records state that you were injured only a few months ago, and there haven’t been any Ishballan movements – well, except for Scar, but he’s a special case – in over a year. Also, how would you be investigating the death of General Hughes before your injury if you were escorting the victims of war?” He glanced at her.

Avalon smiled sweetly and replied, “I like intelligent men like you. Quite perceptive, to have figured me out like that.”

There was a very loud THUNK as Joyce’s head hit the wall. “If top secret military information was so freaking easy that a simple second lieutenant trained mostly for combat and not investigations could figure out its secrets with just a little digging around, Amestris would’ve fallen a long time ago.”

Singsong patted her on the back. The Sue, in the meantime, prepared to show Havoc, a basically innocent bystander, a well-kept military secret. In the hospital.
Where anyone could walk in and see.

THUNK.

“You’re going to get a headache,” Singsong said.

“You don’t go around telling classified information the military kept secret for a reason just because you’re retiring,” Joyce groaned. “That’s just stupid. And you definitely don’t show someone who’s completely uninvolved.”

“Well…at least she closed the blinds and door first.”

“Not good enough.”

Using her left foot, she pulled her right sandal off, revealing it to have several transmutation circles placed, as described, where her toes could easily reach them. She then flipped it over, revealing a second, larger, more ornate circle on the bottom, which was, oddly enough, formed from some sort of metal. She then balanced carefully on her, now bare, right foot and stepped her left foot on the right sandal.

Immediately, there was a blinding flash of light, such that Havoc had to cover his eyes. When it died down, however, what he saw was an amazing sight.
There stood Major Avalon, and attached to her back was a pair of fully functioning metal wings, shaped like those of a bird, folded neatly to avoid knocking medical supplies over. “Before you ask,” the alchemist stated, “yes, they do fly.”

THUNK.

“Joyce? I’m getting worried, you know…”

“How is that even possible?” the ex-Sue groaned.

“Don’t worry,” Singsong said in a falsely cheery voice. “Havoc’s going to explain how they work, despite the fact he’s never seen anything like it before.” Her hands were shaking again. She popped two more Skittles in her mouth.

“The metal that the wings are made of apparently comes from that which was stored underneath your sandals,” Havoc replied. “When you activate your alchemy, that metal forms a pair of wings, and the way you do it allows you to attach them to your muscles as well. That’s the easy part though – the only issue remaining is that the amount of metal stored beneath your feet isn’t nearly enough to form a pair of wings that size. After all, you alchemists have to follow equivalent exchange, right?”

“Ooh, he has a point,” Singsong grinned. “Wonder if we can get her for not following the laws…”

Avalon smiled. “Very good. That would be everything the general military knows about my transmutation. In fact, I doubt that even the Fuhrer knows more. No one’s ever noticed the issue you brought up with it. And I must ask you not to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

Havoc replied, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

Joyce’s head was becoming very well acquainted with the wall. “This goes against all sorts of protocol. You don’t get the uninvolved involved. And how would no one notice that she’s disobeying the laws? She works with a bunch of state-certified alchemists who are experts at what they do! Surely someone would notice!” She shook her head in an effort to get rid of the funny glowing spots blocking her vision. “I’ve changed my mind about this girl, Sing. Let’s just kill her.”

“Good to hear,” Singsong grinned.

“There is one main reason why, even if our species suddenly sprouted wings one day, most people would not be able to lift off the ground,” Avalon continued. “Our bones are so dense, with all the marrow inside, that the wings required for such a feat would need to be able to be very powerful. Birds don’t have that problem because their bones are hollow, so their wings can support them.”

“I see,” Havoc replied. “So the extra material for the wings is your own bone marrow?” Avalon nodded. “But technically, that’s transmuting a part of yourself – human transmutation! Isn’t that against the law?”

THUNK. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” Joyce grumbled. “She can’t do that without killing herself. In theory, sure, it sounds cool, but if she’d done any research…”

“You’re the alchemist,” Singsong shrugged. “Where’d she go wrong?”

“First off, there’s only about eight pounds of marrow in the average adult human body,” Joyce explained. “Not enough to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’d think. Second of all, even if that was enough there to make a fully functioning pair of wings, I’m pretty sure that you can’t rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal. Thirdly, even if you could rearrange fat cells and capillaries to create metal, I’m not sure how long she’d last without her bone marrow producing blood cells. And even if all that was possible, how would she get the stuff out of her bones without killing herself?”

Singsong eyed her partner. “Were you going to try human transmutation at some point?”

Joyce muttered something that sounded like, “Anj and Brenden got me out before it came to that.” Singsong decided to let it slide.

“Unfortunately, it does have its side effects on occasion. After all, bone marrow is where new white blood cells are produced, and removing it can severely hamper one’s immune system. Several months ago, I was sent on a mission to check on the desert town of Lior. My superiors claimed that they had received some clues about Brigadier General Hughes’ murder, and they felt that I should go to Lior to investigate further. However, while I was flying over the desert, I got an odd disease, and without much marrow to replace them, my white blood cells had, for the most part, slowly died off. It exhausted me and dulled my senses somewhat, so when I finally made it to Lior and found all of the fighting that was going on there, I was fairly useless.”

“Well, at least she mentions that,” Joyce sighed. “Though I’ll admit, these monologue answers are getting on my nerves.”

“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “It’s like she’s writing an essay or paper or something…”

The Sue went on to explain how her arms had been paralyzed.

“…I saw a few odd people talking – all of them had tattoos that I later identified to be of the ouroboros, they noticed me, I wasn’t able to get out of the way in time, and the woman among them walked up to me and, after correctly identifying me without even having had an introduction, told me that they weren’t going to kill me. Then, she somehow was able to extend her fingernails into sharp lance-like things, and she stabbed me in the arms, slicing the nerve cells in them. Then, they left, and a private who happened to pass by found me and took me straight to the hospital. I was later transferred over here, and… well, I’ve been like this ever since.”

“You don’t tell people these things!” Joyce snarled. “You don’t go around telling deep dark secrets to random bystanders who you hardly know and could potentially be enemies! And if they aren’t enemies, you’re getting innocent people involved in something very, very dangerous!”

“And you can’t get your arms paralyzed like that,” Singsong frowned. “Sure, you think it’d work, but it doesn’t. The spine itself needs to be hit, which would cause everything below that to be paralyzed as well.”

“And why wouldn’t they kill her?” Joyce demanded. “Do they need her for something? Why did they even want to target her in the first place?”

“A lady with an ouroboros tattoo?” Havoc asked, perking up. “Did she happen to have it on the center of her upper chest, and did she like very low cleavage?”

“Yes, she did,” Avalon replied. “Why do you ask?”

Havoc then replied, “If it’s the same one as I think you’re referring to, that’s the one that did this to me.” He motioned towards his legs.

Avalon stepped on her sandal once again, changing her wings back into what they formerly had been. She then placed the sandal back on her foot and sat down. “In that case, I suppose we have more in common than I thought.”

“Oh, you’re paralyzed? So am I! What’s that? The same person who paralyzed you paralyzed me, too? Wow! We must be, like, destined for each other or something!”

“Singsong…”

“Hey, you hafta admit, that is what the Suethor seems to be going for.”

“I’m assuming you’re going to kill her?” Joyce asked as they went through a scene change.

“Yeah,” Singsong nodded. “Though I’ll need my hands to stop shaking.” She looked at the fic, which was gliding by as the Suethor quickly described an undetermined amount of time in which Havoc and the Sue seemed to become friends. “I think we’re good now…I’m going back on the sugar.” She pulled eight bags of Skittles out of her knapsack and tore them open.

“Pity,” Joyce said. “I think I like you better sane.”

Singsong rolled her eyes and poured the Skittles down her throat. Joyce turned to watch Havoc and the Sue have a romantic dinner of Xingese takeout in the hospital room.

“This could be cute if it was done right,” Joyce sighed. Singsong didn’t answer, as she was too busy chewing.

And after several minutes of ‘um’s and ‘er’s and ‘you know’s and the like, Havoc eventually stated, “So, um, Major…”

“I don’t think we have to be so formal right now,” Avalon replied. “You can call me by my first name – Christina.”

“Christina,” Havoc repeated. “That’s a beautiful name. Mine is Jean.”

“Jean,” Christina replied. “That’s lovely as well.”

“…They’ve known each other for how long, yet they don’t know each other’s first names?” Joyce asked.

“So, um, Christina… we’ve known each other several months now, and we’re both going to probably have to retire soon anyway… I was thinking that… you know… um… here, why don’t I just show you?” He took a moment to pull something out of his pocket – a small box that, as he opened it, revealed a small emerald engagement ring.

“He doesn’t know her first name, yet he’s asking her to marry him,” Joyce sighed. “Right. Singsong, you almost ready?”

“Huh?” Singsong asked, downing the last of her Skittles and happily looking over her rifle.

“I’ll take that as a yes…”

“Just hurry up and read the charge list,” Singsong said cheerfully.

“Yes, Jean, of course I’ll marry you.”

“Objection!” Joyce exclaimed. The couple turned and, judging from the surprised looks on their faces, saw the two agents on the other side of the room, one of them smiling at a rifle. “Major Platinum Wing Alchemist Christina Avalon,” Joyce began, looking at the charge list. “You are hereby charged with creating a mini-chimera, to whit, byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple), with causing Havoc to think that no one will love him just because he’s disabled, with sending Riza Hawkeye out of character, causing her to encourage the idea of having tons of girlfriends, causing her to randomly point a gun at someone in the hospital, causing her to not obey her superior’s orders, and using her to explain your past, with creating logic loopholes, with having a Holier-Than-Thou attitude and acting crassly around someone who just lost the use of his legs, with not retiring from the military ASAP, with causing a simple second lieutenant to be able to find out military secrets, with getting an uninvolved bystander involved in a dangerous situation, with having no one notice that you’re disobeying the laws of equivalent exchange, with committing human transmutation with no negative side effects, with being paralyzed in only your arms, which is impossible—though I will admit that, in theory, yes, the idea of having the nerves in the arms cut to cause paralysis does sound like it would work—with not being killed by the Homunculi, with not knowing the first name of the guy you’ve known for several months and vice versa, and with being a Mary-Sue. Your punishment is death. Any last words?”

“What?”

BANG.

The Sue had been standing beside Havoc, but now she was lying on the floor, a bullet hole directly between her eyes. Joyce stared in shock for a moment before turning to Singsong, who still had her rifle positioned on her shoulder. The assassin was grinning.

“Good kill,” she said happily.

“Uh…nice aim?” Joyce answered.

“Thanks! I’m pretty good at sharpshooting, I guess.”

Joyce made a mental note to never try to stand up to Singsong while she had a rifle. “Yeah. Pretty good. C’mon, let’s clean up here.”

“What did you do that for?” Havoc demanded, looking terrified. “Why did you kill her?”

“This light will answer all your questions, Second Lieutenant,” Singsong answered, pulling out a neuralyzer and sunglasses. She had the presence of mind to hand sunglasses to Joyce this time, as well.

Flash.

“Now, you did not just propose to a Mary-Sue, alright? You also haven’t been in the hospital for several months. In fact, once we leave and the canon and timeline snap back into place, you’re going to be getting ready to fill out your retirement papers, alright?”

Joyce was pulling the Sue through a portal. “Ready, Singsong?”

“Yep.”

Singsong looked around when they came out of the portal. “Lior?”

“You said we needed something different than Lab Five.”

“How’s Lior gonna help that?”

“We have about thirty seconds until Scar activates the transmutation circle and creates the Philosopher’s Stone. The transmutation will wipe out everything in its path—including the Sue’s body. C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Joyce opened another portal and picked up byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple). The two agents walked through to the RC.

“All!” Joyce snapped, glaring at the mini who was trying his best to jump up to the bleeprin cabinet. “No! Down!”

“Meow!”

“Ugh,” Joyce groaned. “Here, have a new playmate.” She tossed byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple) towards him. The mini used her wings
to glide to the ground. “Where’s FullMe—oh, he’s sleeping. Again.”

“You know we aren’t gonna be able to keep all of them, right?” Singsong asked, pulling several chocolate bars out of her candy cabinet.

“Yeah, I know. I want to keep All and FullMetal, though. Think we could find a good home for byFirst Lieutenant RizaHawkeye(currently peeling an apple)?”

“Yeah. Probably.”

“Great. Hey, what do mini-chimeras eat?”

“As long as it isn’t candy, I don’t care.”

Fic notes: All in all, this Sue wasn’t quite so bad. She definitely could’ve been better, of course, but she also could’ve been a lot worse. The bad biology was annoying, of course, even though it sounded possible (and thank you to all those who reassured me that no, you can’t be paralyzed in the arms like that, way back in whatever month it was that I posted that question on the Board). What really grated on my nerves, though, was the Holier-Than-Thou, I’m-Worse-Off-Than-You attitude the Sue had. I really couldn’t stand it, especially when she said Havoc was better off than she was. Granted, yes, I’d rather lose the use of my legs than my arms (were that even possible), but still, you don’t say things like that to someone you’ve just met who’s going through a rough time. Not to mention the monologue explanations. It felt like the Suethor was writing the answers to a science lab or something. Original story here: Platinum Angel

Yay! I got the internet to work!

2008-06-03T16:52:26Z

*does happy dance* Granted, I got it to work by actually plugging the internet cable thingies in, instead of using wireless. Apparently our wireless isn't working, though everything else is. Whatever--as long as I can upload missions, I'm happy.

Now, on to doing...stuff. ^_^

Sort of comes back from the dead

2008-06-02T15:53:57Z

Ugh. It's been a while, hasn't it? I figured I should let anyone who cares know I'm still alive. XD

Well, um...I graduated in the past two weeks. Guess that's pretty big. It was awesome, and all us graduates got to jump into the school pond, as per tradition. It's funny--most people come out of the water claiming it's the most disgusting experience of their lives, but it realy wasn't that bad. I get the feeling none of them have ever been creekwalking or swimming in a lake before. XD

And the whole graduating thing is also the reason why I haven't been around lately, because after getting disconnected from my school's network, my laptop refuses to connect to my house's wireless internet. Joy. I'm using the family computer right now. Of course, this means I can't upload my latest mission for betaing or posting. *headdesk* Lesson learned--from now on, use Google docs instead of Word. Hopefully this wireless problem will get fixed soon... 'Till then, I'll probably use the phone line or something at some point to do a quick upload to Google docs. Still, I won't be online quite so much until we've got this whole wireless problem figured out.

So...yeah. That's it for now.

When roommates and literature collide

2008-05-19T03:22:03Z

So my roommate says she needs to read me a bedtime story. She's weird like that. I told her I needed to read Children of Hurin for Tolkien class, and that she wouldn't be able to read Tolkien to me. She claims that she can, because Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are friends and she's currently reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for her English elective. I told her that C.S. Lewis wrote for children, and Tolkien didn't. She claimed that she could read anything, provided that it's in English. I shrugged and tossed her my copy of The Silmarillion. After some difficulty pronouncing the title, she went on to the first part (Ainulindale, which she also had difficulty pronouncing) and attempted to read a bit out loud. Tolkien's work was garbled thus:

"There was...Whatever, the One, who in...Whatever is called...However You Pronounce That, and he made first the...Whatever, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made. And he spoke to them, propounding to them themes of music; and they sang before him, and he was glad. This guy doesn't speak English!"

Aren't roommates FUN?!? XD I'm gonna miss this girl when I graduate in...six days. She won't tell me where she's going to college cuz she's afraid I'll randomly show up and drive her insane.

The Lord's Prayer--In Quenyan

2008-05-15T03:13:12Z

Because I mentioned it in my last post and agent_tomato got curious, I asked my Tolkien teacher/school chaplain for a copy of the Lord's Prayer in Elvish, which he read at the beginning of the school year. He kindly provided me with two links to translations. One link goes to a prayer devised by two of the top Tolkien linguists, Patrick Wynne and Carl F. Hostetter. The other link goes to a document featuring six versions of the translation Tolkien made himself, starting at the bottom of page eight of the document. Reproduced below is the first version of Tolkien's, in the off chance you don't feel like clicking on any links at the moment. ;-)

Átaremma I

ataremma menelzea na

na aire esselya.

na túle turinastalya

na carinda mendelya

ier mendelle ar tér cemenze.

A antale men hyáze ilyarea mastamma

ar avatyara mello lucassemmar

ier emme avatyarir ta va menya lucandor

ar úa mittanya me terpelliena

one na etrúna me ulcallo.

Ah, Tolkien...

2008-05-14T01:02:13Z

Did I mention I've been taking an elective English course on Tolkien this spring? I didn't? Ah, well...

My beloved school chaplain and English teacher is a very big Tolkien fan. He said the Lord's Prayer in Elvish. He also attended the medieval congress out in Kalamazoo, Michigan last week, where he kindly took my copy of The Road to Middle-Earth to get autographed by Mr. Tom Shippey. Yay!

So anyways, I'm reading Children of Hurin for said course, when this line in the chapter on the Nirnaeth Arnoediad catches my eye: "...Huor fell pierced with a venomed arrow in the eye, ..."

And I think to myself, "This sounds familiar. Where have we heard this before...?"

Oh. Right. Arathorn. Don't think that arrow was poisoned, though, but whatever. It still got him in the eye. And I could've sworn that Eomund died the same way, though now that I look I can only find reference to him being killed by orcs; nothing specific like getting an arrow through the eye.

Still, it's an interesting theme--if you're the father of a hero-to-be and you're not a main character and you need to die, you'll get shot through the eye. Granted, I can't really call it a theme, seeing as it's only happened to two people (that I know of), but still...interesting coincidence. Perhaps it stems from childhood experiences ("Ronald! Put that stick down! You'll poke someone's eye out!"). That's where the whole "giant spider" theme came from, at least...

Or maybe it runs in the family. XD Huor, Tuor, Earendil, Elros...and on down to Arathorn. Wonder how many Dunedain chieftans died with orc arrows through their eyes...

Okay, I should really go do homework now... XD

Yay for cameos!

2008-05-05T19:14:11Z

Since I featured her agents in my recent interlude, guil_solo, aka Fynn, was kind enough to return the favor. Warnings include swearing and agent!slash (not with my agents, though).

Brenden should really learn to knock...

Thanks for the cameo, Fynn! ^_^

Interlude 1: Stuck in Medical

2008-05-01T20:27:36Z

A nice, happy interlude between missions--no fandom knowledge required!

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Agents William Archer and Sabbat belong to guil_solo, who kindly let me borrow them for a cameo. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. Star Wars and everything having to do with it belongs to George Lucas. I did create the character of that one nurse Brenden hates, but I do not claim sole rights to her. If anyone ever needs a surly nurse for anything, by all means, go ahead and take her.

Also, many, many, many thanks to tea_fiend for her awesome betaing skills. ^_^

Brenden Sanderson’s life officially sucked. He was confined to a bed in Medical for an indeterminate amount of time, the congealed Sue blood that had confined him to said bed had turned his skin a nasty pink color, that one nurse was on a suicide mission to make his life a living hell, and Anjilly, his dear, beloved partner, had the nerve to lecture him.

“Seriously, Brenden, you can’t go around blowing things up like that.”

He’d saved his home continuum from Anakin Skywalker’s other daughter for this?

“It’s irresponsible...”

He’d gotten the job done though, hadn’t he?

“...and unnecessary...”

Right, and Anj had wanted to wait a little longer, letting the girl have her way with Wedge Antilles while they racked up more charges. Not to mention that she’d wanted to end the Sue’s pathetic life with a quick blaster shot to the head. That was far too merciful.

“...and childish...”

So was the Sue.

“...and it needs to stop!”

Brenden sighed and stared up at the ceiling. Anjilly chewed on her lower lip.

“Look, I don’t mind a few explosions in the field, but it doesn’t end there! I mean, you melted the walls in that one corridor a week ago--”

“Hey! That was during the Sue invasion, alright? It doesn’t count! Those thermal detonators saved our lives, and you know it!”

She frowned. “Alright then. In that case, how about the time you blew a hole in the floor from our RC down to the cafeteria?”

Before Brenden could defend himself—it took too long to get to the cafeteria, dammit, they needed a shortcut—that nurse came towards them, leading a pair of familiar figures. Brenden decided to take the opportunity to get his partner’s attention away from him.

“Hey, look! It’s Patches and the Mad Hatter!”

Anj blinked and turned around to see William Archer helping his partner, Sabbat, walk towards the bed beside Brenden’s. Archer was impeccably dressed, as usual, while Sabbat was...not, unless having your shirt untucked, waistcoat unbuttoned, necktie undone, and only one boot on counted as fashion these days. Anjilly immediately brightened at the prospect of having someone saner than her partner around. “Archer! Sabbat! How’s it going?”

Archer turned from where he was helping his partner onto the bed and saw her. “Oh, hello Anj. We’re alright, though Sabbat’s got a nasty cut--”

“Hurry and get him on the bed,” the nurse ordered. “I need to stitch that up.”

As the vampire hurried to comply, Brenden noticed that Sabbat’s one trouser leg--over the foot without the boot--had been rolled up, showing off a clumsily-wrapped bandage that was stained red. “Ouch, Hatter, what Sue did that to you?”

Sabbat growled as the nurse checked the wound. “Wasn’t a Sue. It was the vampire’s godsdamned pet.”

Brenden raised an eyebrow. “What kind of pet would that be?”

“swenny tod’s our mini-razor,” Archer explained.

“Our?” Sabbat repeated, wincing as the nurse stitched up his leg. “That thing’s all yours, mate. Didn’t like it even before it cut my leg open.”

“It's not his fault--you should have been wearing boots.”

“I know that! Godsdammit, I'm even wearing my boots in bed these days.”

“So why weren't you wearing them?”

“Because I was in the bloody shower!”

“Guess it would’ve been pretty bloody, what with the leg getting cut open and all,” Brenden nodded. Coming from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, he tended
to forget that some words were used as curses in other cultures and continua.

“Well mate,” Sabbat said, looking over Brenden’s new color scheme with amusement, “what in the hells happened to you? Someone mistake you for a lobster?” He grinned.

Brenden grimaced at the jibe. “Well, there was this Sue...”

“Brenden was a complete and utter idiot and flipping exploded her,” Anjilly scowled. “Got Sue blood all over him. As you can see, the stuff stains.” She turned to the nurse, who was finishing with Sabbat’s leg. “How long did you say he’d be like this?”

“A few days. The epidermis needs to peel off,” the other answered. “And I want him to stay in bed until he’s back to normal—there’s no telling what sort of consequences will come of being soaked in Sue blood.” She finished with Sabbat. “You ought to rest a while, yourself. Stay in bed. You need anything, press the call button.” And she left.

“I think she’s lying,” Brenden proclaimed. “You know she doesn’t like me. I bet I’m good to go right now, and she just wants me to stay here so she can make my life a living hell.”

“You smell like rotten candyfloss,” Sabbat pointed out. “Not to mention the color...” He smirked. Brenden crossed his arms and scowled.

“Don’t get me started on the kriffing color,” he grumbled.

“Aww, c’mon,” Anjilly smiled. “Pink isn’t that bad!”

“Says the My Little Pony collector.”

“...” Anj turned a very vibrant red at that and mumbled something under her breath. If one listened closely, one could hear something along the lines of “cute”, “not
that bad”, and “they aren’t all pink”.

Archer, meanwhile, was steadily becoming more and more irritated with his partner, who insisted on vilifying swenny.

“Well, at least you were injured in an honorable way in the field, rather than getting ambushed by a psychotic mini in the shower,” Sabbat was saying.

“Good point,” Brenden nodded. “Did you have the Psycho theme playing, perchance?” Sabbat didn’t look too amused. Brenden changed the subject. “So, other than getting your leg sliced open, what’ve you been up to?”

“Not much. Yourself?”

“Well, there’s this nice new type of thermal detonator I’ve been dying to try out, but someone took all my explosives away when she dragged me to Medical...” He looked at Anjilly pointedly, who snapped out of her embarrassed state to glare right back.

“I feel your pain. That bloody nurse wouldn’t let me bring my pipe in here,” Sabbat scowled.

“Isn’t she awful?” Brenden asked, happy to find someone who shared his sentiments.

Archer turned to the saner of his three companions. She was still glaring at her partner.

“So, Anj, other than Brenden’s predicament, how are you?”

She sighed bleakly. “Other than this, not much going on.”

“Tell you what—do you want to come for a drink with me?” Pause. Anjilly’s eyes widened, Sabbat started laughing under his breath, and the vampire realized his mistake. “Uh...I didn't mean that how it sounded. Really.”

Anj’s sudden terror, however, seemed to have nothing to do with bloodloss. “You mean we’d leave them alone? Together?! IN THE SAME ROOM?!?”

Archer hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Well...”

“I’ll keep an eye on them,” the nurse said as she walked past. “No worries there.” She parted with a threatening glare.

“Alright then,” said Archer. “That’s settled. Shall we go?”

Anj still looked uncertain. “Well...I don’t really think...”

“You wouldn’t leave me alone with that witch, would you Anj?” Brenden asked, trying his best to put on the wet puppy eyes and sound meek, and instead coming off as annoyingly pathetic. Anjilly sighed.

“Yeah Archer, I think I’ll take you up on that offer...”

“WHAT?!?” Brenden yelped as his partner left his bedside. “You’re leaving me here with her?!?”

“You have Sabbat,” Anj said over her shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Anj, the woman wants to kill me.”

“Only because you’re an idiot.”

“Let’s go,” Archer said before the twosome could start fighting. “Later, Sabbat.”

The other shrugged. Archer and Anjilly left Medical.

“So,” the vampire asked, “bleepka sound good?”

“Bleepka sounds lovely,” Anj answered, rubbing her head. “And thanks. I--what are you doing here?” The question was directed at a brown-haired girl heading the opposite direction down the corridor, towards Medical.

“Oh, hi Anj,” she said, popping some Skittles in her mouth.

“Singsong,” Anj asked her friend slowly, “what are you doing here?” In the back of her head, she already had an idea, but she wanted to be sure.

“Well, I heard your jerk of a partner was in Medical, so I decided to pay him a visit,” Singsong Jacobs shrugged. Anjilly went into panic mode.

“Well, that’s nice,” she said, speaking at about a mile a minute, “but it’s really not necessary and all, he’s doing perfectly fine and the nurse says he’ll be ready to go in just a few days, so don’t feel like you have to take time out of your busy day to go say hi--”

“Nonsense,” Singsong grinned. “What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t?”

“Singsong--”

“You’d better take her for that bleepka,” Singsong said to Archer. “She could use some time away from Sanderson, I think.”

“Right,” said Archer, thoroughly confused, but happy to help. “Let’s go, Anj.”

“NO! You don’t understand--having Brenden and Sabbat in the same room is one thing, they actually like each other--BUT I CAN’T LEAVE BRENDEN AND SINGSONG ALONE TOGETHER!”

Archer wound up having to drag Anj down the corridor. “I’m sure they’ll be fine...”

“NO! They’ll try to kill each other!”

“Just another day in the PPC, then.”

“ARCHER!!”

Singsong smiled to herself and headed on into Medical. Now that Anj was out of the way, there was nothing to stop her from making Brenden Sanderson go insane.

“What a great partner, huh, Hatter?” Brenden sulked. “She up and leaves me here in Medical to go get drinks with a vampire. And here I lie while she’s out having fun, nary an explosive in sight, and a nurse who’d like to kill me.”

“Not to mention the fact that you’re pink.”

“Yep.”

“And you’re confined to bed until that nurse says you can get up.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you could die from the exposure to Sue blood, and your partner wouldn’t be here to say goodbye.”

“Yes, that too--Oh, Force, what the kriffing hell are you doing here?!?” Brenden demanded as a new girl happily sauntered towards their beds. She stopped at the foot of Brenden’s, quirking an eyebrow.

“Well, what sort of friend would I be if I didn’t stop by to make sure you’re alright?”

“You wouldn’t be a bad friend, Dingdong; you’d be a polite enemy.”

“My name is Singsong. My, you’re quite an interesting color…”

“Shut up.”

“You look like... What’s the name of that one My Little Pony Anj has? Oh, yeah, Pinkie Pie. You look like Pinkie Pie.”

“Pinkie Pie?” Sabbat repeated, looking amused.

“Don’t kick a man when he’s down,” Brenden scowled.

“No, really, you do,” Singsong smirked. “We just need to get some tinsel in your hair and paint some blue and yellow balloons on your butt and--ta-da!--you’ll be a
humanized My Little Pony.”

Brenden glared at her. “That’s nice. You can leave now.”

“Nah. I think I’ll stay.”

“Be grateful I don’t have my Z-6 on me, Dingdong.”

She looked him over. “Wow, you don’t have any weapons or explosives on you, do you? Guess the Medical staff learned their lesson last time you tried to escape...”

Sabbat looked questioningly at Brenden, who mumbled, “It would’ve worked if it wasn’t for the stupid door...”

“Hmm,” Singsong said. “Weaponless, confined to Medical, stuck in a bed, totally humiliated... If it wasn’t for the fact that you’re Anj’s partner, I’d totally take advantage of this situation.”

Brenden sensed an opportunity to strike back, so he forced his eyes to widen to an unnatural degree. “My goodness, Dingdong, I didn’t think you were into that type of thing!”

Sabbat got it immediately, as he began laughing, but it took Singsong a moment. Of course, she was only all the more livid when she figured it out. “I meant I’d kill you, you idiot! Good Eru, I probably should kill you for that!”

“Would you all shut up?!?” the nurse asked as she passed by. “I’ve got a load of patients recovering from the Sue invasion over here--I suggest you let them rest in
peace!”

“Why? Are they dead?” Brenden smirked. Singsong glared at him.

“Have some respect, Sanderson.”

“Says the girl who slept through the entire invasion because she was too clueless to realize we were being invaded without a partner to tell her! Jeez, you’re lucky Anj and I found Joyce...”

“Why you little--at least I didn’t get my pay docked for melting half a corridor with thermal detonators!”

“It was a necessary action that saved many lives,” Brenden insisted.

“Actually, Archer said that you and Anjilly were the only other people in that corridor, besides himself,” Sabbat said.

“Well, if I hadn’t’ve gotten them all right then and there, who knows where else they would’ve gone to wreak havoc?”

“I don’t know. Couldn’t you have just shot them all? Less mess, I’d think...”

Brenden scowled. “Whose side are you on?”

“My own.” Sabbat didn’t know Singsong all that well, as they’d only met two minutes ago, but he did still have to repay Brenden for that nickname.

“Say,” Singsong broke in, grinning, “if you don’t want to be Pinkie Pie, you could be Rarity. You know, the pink unicorn? We could find a horn somewhere and glue it to your head...”

“Would you please leave?”

“No.”

“Force-dammit, Dingdong…”

“Or maybe you could be a Twi’Lek, from your home continuum. You like those, don’t you? And they come in pink...”

“There are pink creatures in your home continuum?” Sabbat asked.

“I don’t like the pink ones,” Brenden mumbled. “Blue, red, and green are okay, but the pink ones…no. Just no.”

“Oh, c’mon, don’t be racist. What’s the name of that one Twi’Lek Jedi girl you like? Alley…Ayli…Aayla. Aayla Secura, that’s it.”

Brenden was silent at the mention of his lust object, and was suddenly glad that his skin was pink. It was good for hiding the blush. He didn’t want Sabbat to be more
amused than necessary.

“Is this Aayla girl pink?” Sabbat questioned.

“She’s blue,” Brenden said, defending his LO as best he could in his embarrassed state.

“We could just put some of those head-tail things--what’re they called? Lekku?--on your head. I’m sure she’d fall all over you,” Singsong went on.

“...A Jedi shall not know love,” Brenden quoted, scowling at her.

“Well, you’ve got the personality to be a Gary-Stu--”

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?”

“You are a bit of an egomaniac…”

“YOU CALLED ME A STU?!?”

“Oh, calm down.”

“I WON’T CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!” Brenden exclaimed, spewing punctuation. “I REFUSE!!! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A SITHSPAWNED GARY-STU, YOU DIRTY LITTLE--”

Brenden’s rant was cut short as his eyes suddenly glazed over and he fell back against his pillow, eyes sliding shut. Singsong and Sabbat watched as the nurse pulled her tranquilizer needle out of Brenden’s leg.

“Visiting hours are over,” the woman declared, looking pointedly at Singsong.

“But...there aren’t visiting hours here...it’s a sort of come-and-go place...”

“Out,” the nurse ordered.

“Fine,” Singsong grumbled. “Nice meeting you, what’s-your-name.”

“It’s Sabbat.”

“Yeah. That.”

As Singsong left, the door to Medical burst open and Anjilly dashed in, closely pursued by Archer as she rushed to her partner’s bedside.

“Anj!” Archer exclaimed. “Do you want a drink or not?” He’d been dragging her down the hallway until she’d managed to break free and run back to Medical, shouting that she had to make sure Brenden and Singsong were okay.

“ALMIGHTY VALAR, SHE KILLED HIM!!!” Anjilly shrieked, shaking her unresponsive partner. “Brenden! Brenden, can you hear me?! Speak to me! Come on! Don’t die on me now—we’ve been through so much together! And I haven’t gotten to apologize for that time I shoved you through a portal to Alagaësia because you were getting on my nerves!!” She collapsed on his chest, sobbing. Archer looked at Sabbat worriedly.

“Is he really dead?”

“No, the nurse tranquilized him.”

Anj perked up at that. “She tranquilized him? That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh,” said Anj, getting up and brushing herself off. “You’d think I’d be used to it by now...” She sighed. “I need a drink.”

“I thought you did,” Archer nodded. “Let’s go. Again. Later, Sabbat.”

“Later, Archer.”

And thus, Sabbat was left alone in his section of Medical, with no one for company but a comatose explosions enthusiast and a surly nurse. Still, he supposed it was better than the mini-razor back in the RC.

Mission 2: Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

2008-04-27T16:47:36Z

Decided it's time to post this... Many thanks to tea_fiend for betaing!

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Any candy mentioned belongs to its respective producer. The fic Secrets and Heather Mustang belong to xXHeatherMustangXx—not that I want either, of course.

Joyce ran as fast as she could back to her and Singsong’s response center, worried about what she might find there. Before she’d left, Singsong had been eating up those skittles rather quickly. There was no telling how many more she’d eaten after Joyce had gone.

The ex-Sue tried to rationalize the situation. Singsong had seemed to have plenty of presence of mind during their mission—surely she wouldn’t allow herself to lapse into a mindless state of sugar-induced madness. People just didn’t do that.

And flowers couldn’t talk, and bleach couldn’t be mixed with aspirin to form an edible substance (Joyce winced with the memory of the reaction she’d gotten when she’d pointed out that particular piece of illogicalness to a fellow agent).

Still, no one would really want to eat so much sugar they were no longer able to function as a member of society, right?

Joyce refused to think that maybe Singsong didn’t want to function as a member of society.

When she finally got back to the RC #71734, she found Singsong jumping up and down on the bed.

“Seven little monkeys jumping on the bed! One fell off and bumped his head! Mama called the doctor and the doctor said, ‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Six little monkeys jumping on the—”

“Singsong?”

“—bed! One fell off and bumped his—”

“Singsong?”

“—head! Mama called the doctor and the doctor—”

“Singsong!”

“Huh?”

Joyce carefully looked her partner over. Singsong was still jumping up and down, but she appeared to have given Joyce her attention. “You feeling okay?”

“… Yeah?”

Joyce couldn’t tell if that was a question or an answer. “Alright then…”

“Okay. Five little monkeys jumping on the bed! One fell off and bumped his—”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

All, who’d been napping on the console, leapt up with a frightened screech at the noise and landed neatly in Joyce’s arms, very freaked out. She petted him absentmindedly as she headed to the console. The poor mini was more than a little skittish, she’d noticed—might have something to do with watching Ed have sex with a Sue. Yeah, that was probably it.

Joyce read through the fic summary, wincing. “This one sounds nasty. Roy doesn’t even have a sister.”

“Neither do Ed and Al,” Singsong pointed out. She’d given up on the song, but not on the jumping. Joyce scrolled through the fic for a moment before bristling.

“She randomly gives Al his body back.”

Singsong hopped off the bed and started collecting her weapons. “Guess we should kill her, then.”

Joyce put All down on her bed. FullMetal was already there, snoring away as heavily as his namesake.

“Is that pistol still the only weapon you have?” Singsong asked, picking through the weapons cabinet.

“Yeah. But I can always transmute a knife or something if I need it.”

“Oh, knife. Right.” Joyce noticed that Singsong still had the rose-covered dagger she’d transmuted in the last mission.

“Ready to go?” Joyce asked, looking through their still-packed knapsack. The CAD and remote activator were in there, as well as the bleeprin and notebook and pencil. Singsong took the knapsack from her partner’s hands, looked through it herself, and then proceeded to fill it with all sorts of candy from her private stash. Joyce watched worriedly.

“Is that much sugar really necessary?”

“Yes. Okay, let’s go.” Singsong pressed the appropriate buttons on the console and hopped through the portal. Joyce took a moment to turn back to her bed.

“FullMetal, All, you two behave.” There was an answering mew and a snore, and Joyce left.

She arrived in the fic in the middle of the author’s note, during which the Suethor rambled on about a Harry Potter/Fullmetal Alchemist crossover with input from Ed and Harry, in script format.

“I hate it when people do this sort of thing,” Singsong said. “Usually it just comes out really stupidly.”

“I can see that,” Joyce nodded, fishing the paper and pencil from the knapsack as the actual fic started. Chances were they’d need it soon.

Riza open the car door, "How was school ma'am," She asked.

“Why is Riza calling this girl ‘ma’am’?” Joyce asked. “Does it say that she’s a higher rank anywhere?”

“Nope,” Singsong answered, watching the Sue get out of the car. It appeared she was just getting home from boarding school.

"It was fun," a black haired girl wearing a school uniform stepped out of the car, "but I would have hoped to have heard from my brother." She smiled, "Where is he anyway?"

"He's in his office, ma'am, but he's been busy all day. I doubt if that has changed at all in the past few minutes."

"Oh please. I doubt if he'll mind me."

“Well, that’s rude,” Singsong observed.

“And Riza’s still referring to the girl as ‘ma’am’,” Joyce frowned. “She’s Roy’s sister, but that doesn’t make her higher than Riza! She’s just a civilian! Maybe if Riza didn’t know who she was, sure, she could call her ma’am... But she obviously does know who she is, so—” She broke off as they were suddenly yanked to Mustang’s office, where Ed was yelling. Apparently, Mustang had assigned him to babysit the Sue.

"BABYSITTING?!" Ed yelled slamming his fists on Roy’s desk, "YOU WANT ME TO BABYSIT FOR YOU?!"

“But... why does he even have to watch this girl?” Joyce asked.

“Plot contrivance,” Singsong shrugged. “Any excuse to get Ed and the Sue together would work.” She popped some skittles into her mouth. Joyce pretended not to notice, and forced herself to focus on the fic.

"How old is this 'Heather' girl anyway?" Ed asked, "Five?"

"Fourteen, actually," a voice behind him answered, "Roy have been giving out babysitting duty to people again?"

“Ugh, I hate it when they get all uppity,” Singsong sighed through a mouthful of skittles.

"Ah, Heather," Roy answered smiling, "How was school?"

"Well, if you had been writing letters as you promised, you would have known."

“But … but … that makes no sense!” Joyce exclaimed. “She needs to write letters to him to let him know how she’s doing! How can he possibly know how she is if he’s the one writing the lett—ACK!!” Joyce got into a fight with a logic loophole that was trying to strangle her, and dropped the charge list in the process. Singsong picked it up.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Ed interrupted, smirking.

“You and me both,” Singsong nodded, writing Causing Ed to act sarcastically for no reason at all. “I’m getting the feeling that this was meant to be friendly sibling banter, but it just fails miserably.” Joyce didn’t answer, as the logic loophole had the upper hand at the moment. Singsong added Poor wording to the charge list as Ed went on a height rant.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT EVEN AN ANT IS TALLER!?" Ed yelled.

“Mediocre grammar skills, too,” Singsong sighed as Ed announced "I out of here!”. “Really, this is simple stuff. Simple grammar and spelling mistakes. The most basic of spell checks and rereads could fix them.”

Joyce was gagging.

“I know, poor grammar makes me sick, too.”

So this is what Anj meant by cluelessness, Joyce thought bleakly as her vision became peppered by black spots. She began wondering where PPC agents went when they died in fics. Was there a special circle of hell set aside for ex-Sues?

“And now they’re engaging in cryptic remarks,” Singsong shook her head. “Really. It’s just stupid. Get ready for a scene change.”

The sudden change got rid of the logic loophole, and Joyce gasped with relief as the air rushed back into her lungs. Singsong looked at her cryptically as she munched on a Butterfinger.

“You know, that wasn’t all that bad of a spatial rift…”

Joyce glared at her, panting, and Singsong sensed that she needed to make amends for something. She held out the candybar. “Butterfinger?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Joyce huffed, still inhaling deeply. She looked around. “Uh…where are we?” There was absolutely no description for the place they were in.

“The Suethor doesn’t say,” Singsong shrugged. “So we’re in Generic Somewhere, I guess.”

Indeed, the entire five-sentence scene consisted of dialogue. No description whatsoever. And the characters randomly popped out of plotholes as they spoke.

“Yeesh,” Joyce scowled. “And why is Al lamenting that Roy has a little sister? Al wouldn’t lament. In fact, he’d probably be happy for Roy and try to get to know the girl. Ed would be the one lamenting her existence.” Pause. “Though, since she’s a Sue, I suppose that lamenting her existence is perfectly fine on both their parts…” She pulled the CAD out of the knapsack and pointed it at Alphonse.

[Alphonse Elric. Human male. Canon. Out of character 46.88%]

“Yep,” Joyce sighed. “It’s not so much that he’s out of character than that he doesn’t have any, and what he does have is out of character.” Singsong didn’t answer, as she was busy picking Butterfinger residue out of her teeth. Joyce took the opportunity to take back the charge list.

Another scene change dragged them to the rooftop of a nearby building, where Lust and Envy were sitting.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Envy said gagging, "So she's 'the one'?"

“‘The one’?” Joyce repeated. “‘The one’ what?”

“Ring?” Singsong suggested. Joyce looked at her skeptically.

“I have no idea what jewelry has to do with this,” she said, chalking Singsong’s odd statement up to the sugar. Her partner, however, looked indignant.

“You’ve never read The Lord of the Rings?”

“Can’t say I have,” Joyce said, watching Envy and Lust’s conversation.

"From what the master said, she is," Lust answered smirking.

"'The one who will change destiny with a secret' I wonder how her 'secret' will help us?"

"I guess we'll just have to find out."

“I hate cryptic conversations,” Joyce remarked, as the fic degenerated into another scripted author’s note between Ed and the Suethor. “Especially when it sounds like the Suethor herself doesn’t know what she’s getting at.”

“You’ve never read Lord of the Rings,” Singsong stated.

“Yeah, what of it?”

“How can you not have read Lord of the Rings? Didn’t they cover that in basic training?”

“Basic training is about staying alive in an organization of manic weapons-obsessed Sue-icidal crazy people. And what to do on missions.”

“We aren’t all that crazy,” Singsong grumbled, popping three Reese’s into her mouth. Joyce cocked an eyebrow that obviously said “I beg to differ” before turning to watch the opening of chapter two.

Now it wasn’t ordinary for Al, being a suit of armor at the time, to fall asleep, let alone dream. But that’s what happened that night.

“WHAT?!?” Joyce shrieked. “HOW THE HELL—HE’S A FREAKING SUIT OF ARMOR, HE CAN’T SLEEP, THAT’S THE POINT, YOU—” Joyce was interrupted by a rather large Snickers bar that was shoved into her mouth.

“Be quiet,” Singsong said. “I don’t want to waste any more sugar on you than necessary.”

Joyce scowled, but chewed the chocolate all the same as she added to the charge list. Some voice in the nondescript dreamscape asked Al what his heart’s desire was, and introduced itself to be ‘The inner mind of the Wish Granter’.

“Well, if that isn’t nutty, I don’t know what is,” Singsong said. Joyce swallowed her Snickers bar.

“I think the technical term for this is An Extremely Random Deus Ex Machina.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

Al thought for a moment. After he made up his mind, he looked up. “I don’t really think you can grant my wish.”

“Charge for making Al think a moment over what his heart's greatest desire would be,” Joyce scowled. “Honestly, it would either be for his body back, or for Ed’s limbs back. But seeing as he’s a very sensible boy, he’d probably go for his body.” She paused. “Though he is generous to a fault...”

“I can grant anything.” The voice answered matter-of-factly.

That caused Al to ponder the voice’s question even more. “Even to regain a human body?”

It took awhile for the voice to answer. “It’s been awhile since someone’s asked that,” It said finally, “but yes, it is possible.”

“Then,” Al said, “I wish my brother and I had our bodies back.”

“Very well then,” The voice said. Then, everything went black.

“Oh, okay,” said Joyce. “So he asked for both their bodies back to normal. Still a charge for him taking a moment, though.”

Chapter three began with Al waking up.

Al woke up with a start. He quickly looked over to where Ed was still sleeping. His arm was still automail. It was just a dream after all.

He started to get up, but stopped suddenly. He felt a sensation in the hand he was using to push himself off the floor. He looked down, half expecting to see metal, and saw that it was a real and. It wasn’t a dream after all!

“...There are so many things wrong with this,” Joyce groaned, fishing through the knapsack for bleeprin.

“Look out for the plotholes,” Singsong warned.

“I’m going to forgo the obvious rant of 'How The Hell Did That Happen?' and instead start with 'Where The Hell Is Al’s Armor?',” Joyce announced, downing bleeprin. “Also, if Al asked for both his and Ed’s bodies to get back to normal, why does Ed still have automail? And let’s not forget the repercussions of Al suddenly regaining his body. He’d probably go into shock from the assault on his senses. He’d be supersensitive to everything. He wouldn’t think everything was a dream when he woke up. He’d feel the air currents moving against his skin, and feel the floor under him, and taste his own saliva, and smell everything...”

“We need to tell Roy! But first,” Ed looked at Al, “we need to get you some clothes”

“Well,” Joyce sighed bleakly, turning away to preserve Al’s modesty, “at least they got that part right.”

Singsong handed Joyce another Snickers bar. “Here. Take it and shut up.”

They made it through two author’s notes apologizing for the shortness of the chapters.

“Better for us,” Singsong shrugged as chapter five began with Ed and Al in Roy’s office. “Hopefully it’ll all be over soon...”

"What happened," Al asked.

“But he didn’t ask,” Singsong sighed. “He said. There’s no question mark.”

"I should have realized it," Roy said, sulking in the chair, "but she hadn't shown any signs. How cold this possibly happen overnight?"

"Colonel," Ed asked, "what's wrong?"

"It's heather," he answered, "last night, she got a really high fever."

“What a coincidence,” Joyce said dryly.

“Though how a plant can have a fever is beyond me,” said Singsong.

"The docters have no idea whats wrong with her. She gets these 'little' fevers every once in awhile."

"So that's why you were looking for someone to watch her," Ed said, "so that if something happened, someone would be there to tale her to the hospital. I feel like a peice of crap now."

Joyce nearly tore her hair out. “Alright, the logic is deteriorating here. I understand that you want someone to watch the sick girl, but wouldn’t it be better if that someone was a nurse who was trained in healing people rather than a soldier who’s trained to kill them? And why wouldn’t Roy tell Ed exactly what his mission entails? I mean, that’s got to go against all sorts of protocol, unless you’re Special Ops…” On pure animal—or maybe Suvian—instinct, Joyce stepped to the side, just before a logic loophole could snare her again. “Oh, no you don’t.”

"It's ok Edward," Riza said in Roy's place, "You had no idea. To anyone, she'd look like a healthy teenage girl."

“Did you see that?” Singsong asked. “Roy disappeared, and Riza appeared in his place.”

Joyce blinked. “But then … Where’s Roy?”

“Looks like he fell through a plothole. Same with Riza, apparently,” Singsong said, as the Elrics suddenly had what seemed to be a private conversation.

Ed said, "say, how did you get your body back?"

"Huh?" Al asked, "oh. Someone known as the 'Wish Granter' got it for me."

"'The Wish Granter'" Ed wondered, "I wonder if Roy knows anything about this."

"Dammit!" Envy said. "The master isn't going to be pleased with this."

“People pop in and out of plotholes a lot in this fic,” Singsong observed as chapter four ended.

“Oh, look, she wants to be a senator when she grows up,” Joyce sneered. “Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but at this point in time the Amestrian Parliament had next to nothing in terms of power. The Military rules everything, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Bradley’s a Homunculus, that probably wouldn’t be changing anytime soon.”

“She wants to be a senator?” Singsong repeated. “Put ‘imitating Princess Leia’ on the charge list.”

Joyce blinked. “Who’s Princess Leia?”

“What? You’ve never watched Star Wars, either?”

“Star Wars,” Joyce repeated. “I’ve heard that somewhere. Star Wars...”

“It’s Brenden’s home continuum,” Singsong added with distaste. She couldn’t stand Brenden Sanderson. She wished a pox on him. If she’d known that, at that moment, he was incapacitated in Medical, with congealed Sue blood all over his body, she’d have been positively delighted.

“Oh! Yes, that’s right!” Joyce exclaimed. “So this princess girl is from there?”

“Yes. She is. Just write down the charge.”

Joyce hurried and did so. Her partner sounded snappy, and there was a sour look on her face. Joyce didn’t realize it was because Singsong had been reminded of Brenden Sanderson’s existence.

Ed and Roy, meanwhile, were talking about the Wish Granter. And bunnies.

"Gave him his body back?" Roy asked, "That reminds me of a riddle. Say you got a bunny you always wanted-"

"I don't even like bunnies!" Ed interrupted.

"It's for the sake of this riddle! Now as I was saying, on you're way home, you spot a hawk with a broken wing. The only thing around that the hawk can eat is the bunny you're holding. Without anything to eat, the hawk would surely die. what do you do?"

“That’s just stupid,” Joyce grumbled.

“Yeah,” said Singsong, thinking of Brenden. “Stupid. And obnoxious. And idiotic.”

“Is this even a real riddle, or is the Suethor just making things up?” Joyce wondered. “I get the feeling that she’s just writing things down as they come and not really sure of where it’s going. Which reminds me—what the heck does this riddle have to do with Al’s body?!?”

They suddenly heard a scream coming from the courtyard. Quickly, they ran down to see what happened.

--

"Let her go Envy!" Al yelled. "She has nothing to do with us!"

"On the contrary, little Elric," Envy said, still fighting to keep a hold on Heather, "She has everything to do with you."

Heather looked at Al with sorrowful eyes. I'm sorry, She thought, I should have told you.

Envy noticed the look and smiled maliciously. "Or has she not told you?" He asked just as Ed and Roy got outside, "She is the Wish Granter, the bride of the gate!"

“...Right,” said Joyce. “I have no idea how that works out. If the gate was gonna have a bride, it’d be...well, let’s see... Truth and...well, not Justice...not Lies...more like Equality. Maybe. Since there’s the whole Equivalent Exchange deal, and the Gate doesn’t really care who you are... It’s better than ‘the Wish Granter’, at any rate.” She giggled. “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the...yeesh, how would the Gate kiss her?”

“Hopefully the same way a Dementor would,” Singsong said. “Actually, it probably would suck her soul out... And her body...”

“A dementwhat?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

"You knew this," Ed finally broke the silence turning around to face Roy, "and you lied to me?"

“Wait, how does Ed know whether or not Roy knows?” Joyce asked as Roy had an angsty moment.

Roy could only look helplessly at his little sister. I failed you, Father, he thought, I couldn't keep her safe.

Envy took this moment and managed to get away with his prize.

“One more chapter,” Joyce sighed in relief. “And then we can kill her.”

“How do you waist time?” Singsong wondered as Ed said just that.

“No idea. Oh, great, a sob story. Of course she was an unhealthy baby! We need angst!”

“Weren’t you from an angsty fic?”

“Don’t remind me. Please.”

"Our father took her down to our basement one night. I honestly had no idea what was going on.

"A few hours later, he sai 'Roy! Your sister! It's a miracle!' Sure enough, she was crying just like any other healthy baby.

"But six years later, he began to get very sick. One evening, I was taking care of him when he told me what he had done to keep Heather alive. He had sold her to the gate using his soul. They had made a deal that in six years' time, he would have to die in order for her to live.

"Evidently, after his passing, Heather started to get these 'fever spells'. We both knew the reason, but there was nothing we could do about it.

“Wait,” said Joyce, “he gave up his soul to sell her to the Gate? Normally when you sell something, you get something back. I see him selling his soul to make her healthy, sure. But selling his soul and her...?” She sidestepped another logic loophole, and soon became entangled in a sort of do-si-do with it. “No sense. No sense at all.”

“Maybe it’s because she’s a Sue,” Singsong suggested. “I mean, you’d have to give me an awful lot to take in a Sue, too.” She poured some skittles into her mouth, thus missing the shocked look Joyce was giving her. The ex-Sue stared at her partner for a moment too long, and the loophole caught her arm. “ACK! Singsong!”

“Yeah?” the other asked, watching the fic.

“Can you—oh, never mind,” Joyce scowled, reaching over and yanking Singsong’s knife out of its sheath on her partner’s belt. Then she began cutting at the loophole. “I hate these stupid things...” The loophole quickly let her go in self defense.

"So that's what the riddle was for," Ed said, "You were testing me on how I would react in that type of situation. Wel the truth is, I don't think I could answer that question. I couldn't possibly value one life over another."

“An admirable quality, but still a stupid riddle,” Joyce sighed, keeping an eye on the logic loophole. “It isn’t even a riddle, then, but just a sort of philosophical question. And if you try anything, I’ll tie you into knots. Yeah, you,” she added, glaring at the loophole. Fortunately, the scene change got rid of it.

"You're going to help us become human little girl," Lust said smiling, "whether you like it or not."

"How could you force someone to to do this?" Heather asked.

"Becaus we're not human." Envy answered, "we have no guilt for the things we do."

"If you aren't human, why do you want to become one?"

"I think it's high time I make an entrance," a voice rang out. A middle aged man walked out into the grand hallway they were in. He looked up at Heather and smiled, "My princess," he said, "How you've grown these past eight years."

All Heather could do was look at the man in shock. "Daddy?"

“End of the chapter,” Singsong announced. “Wanna kill her?”

“Do you want to?”

“Nah. You can.” Singsong popped some more Skittles into her mouth, and Joyce wondered how much of the fic her partner had actually understood through the haze of sugar. “But we’ve got to get her father, first. Mr. Mustang, first name unknown, you are hereby sentenced to death for being a characterless bit character in league with a Mary-Sue.” She pulled out her pistol, aimed, and shot him. The Sue shrieked.

“Daddy!”

“Here’s the charge list,” Joyce said, handing it to Singsong.

“Heather Mustang,” Singsong read after she’d swallowed her Skittles, “you are hereby charged with causing Riza to treat you as though you outrank her, causing Ed to act sarcastically for no reason at all, poor wording and grammar skills, engaging in stupid cryptic remarks, creating a number of logic loopholes and trying to kill PPC agents—wait, when did that happen?”

“Just keep reading,” Joyce sighed.

“Right, uh, trying to kill PPC agents, not giving Al enough character, causing Al to sleep, causing Al to dream—”

“He’s a suit of armor! HE CAN’T SLEEP OR DREAM!” Joyce exclaimed.

“—making Al have to think about what his heart’s desire is, randomly giving Al his body back, creating a gazillion plotholes, having stupid author’s notes, imitating Princess Leia, making up a stupid riddle, being the bride of the Gate, and being a Mary-Sue. Your punishment is death. Any last words?”

“What? But you can’t kill me! I’m the Wish Granter! I can grant your heart’s desire!”

“Yeah,” said Joyce, adjusting her grip on the rose-embellished knife. “And my heart’s desire right now is that you die.”

A strangled scream and slit throat later, Heather Mustang lay on the floor, dead and bleeding profusely.

“Sparkles,” Singsong shuddered. “I hate Sue blood.”

Joyce decided not to take offense. “I wonder how Brenden’s doing. He was covered in it last time I saw him.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Anj said he exploded a Sue. I guess they're in Medical right now...”

“Medical? Brenden’s in Medical?” Singsong sounded positively ecstatic. “Ha! Serves him right. I hope that one nurse makes his time there a living hell...”

“What the hell is going on?” Envy demanded, looking very confused. And angry. Lust didn’t look any happier.

“And where are we?” she demanded, looking around the random hallway. “And who were those two?” She pointed at the corpses with a finger that quickly elongated and moved to point at the agents. “I suggest you answer.”

“Singsong?” Joyce asked worriedly.

“Um … Oh!” Singsong seemed to remember something, and she pulled a strange little device and a pair of sunglasses out of her pocket. “Okay, Lust, Envy, just look at this blinking little light and everything will be explained...”

Joyce remembered her training in time to close and avert her eyes.

Flash.

“Okay,” Singsong said, taking the sunglasses off, “this never happened. There is no ‘one’ who’s going to change your destiny or anything. Now go back to—uh, I’m assuming we’re in the animeverse—go back to Dante and do something useful. Or something.”

While she was speaking, Joyce had opened a portal and thrown both the Sue and her father through it. “You coming?”

“Yeah,” said Singsong, leaving the dazed Homunculi behind as she and Joyce went through the portal. They came out at Lab Five. “Feeding the chimeras again?”

“Couldn’t think of anything else to do with these,” Joyce answered, throwing the corpses to the ravenous beasts.

“At least we don’t have to stop FullMetal from having a conniption again,” Singsong shrugged. “We’d better neuralyze the other canons. And get Al back in the armor.”

A trip to a plothole and a few flashes of light later, Joyce and Singsong returned to their RC.

“What the heck happened in here?” Singsong demanded. There were several shredded and shattered bottles on the floor that had previously been filled with bleeprin. “Someone raided our supply!” She instantly ran to her candy cupboard, and relaxed when she saw it was still full. Joyce, meanwhile, found the culprit.

“All?” she exclaimed, discovering the mini-chimera picking bleeprin out of the shards of a bottle. “What are you doing?!?” She picked the mini up, much to his dismay. He started meowing desperately.

“Great, he’s addicted to bleeprin,” Singsong sighed. “Fantastic. Is FullMetal?”

Joyce looked to the other chimera, who was watching his would-be brother worriedly. “I don’t think so.” She thought a moment. “Could this have anything to do with when I gave him bleeprin during that one sex scene?”

Singsong shrugged and pulled some more Skittles out of the cupboard. “Probably.”

Joyce huggled All. “My poor traumatized mini,” she sighed.

“You said Sanderson’s in Medical, right?”

“Yeah... What of it?”

Singsong grinned wickedly. “I’m going to go pay him a visit. See you later?”

Joyce hesitated, unsure if letting Singsong loose in the hallways was a good idea. She decided not to worry about it. “Yeah … Sure.”

“Great,” said Singsong, and she left, Skittles in hand. Joyce looked at All.

“Well, you’ve gone and eaten all our bleeprin. Happy?”

Her answer was a not-quite-satisfied mew.

Fic Notes: Stupid. Really, just stupid. And illogical. And dead. Original story here: Secrets

Watched all of Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann

2008-04-17T02:26:01Z

Yes, Maddy, all of it. Which means you can happily chatter my ear off when I come visit this weekend. *sighs*

Anyway, a very enjoyable anime. The characters were awesome, endearing, and fun to follow--not to mention that that Leeron guy reminds me of Agent Luxury, albeit with more self-control and focus on his actual job. Oh, and the symbolism was fantastic. I'm a total sucker for symbolism, and this was a very nice example of it. My only complaint is that it seemed just a tad rushed at the end, but whatever. It was still fun to watch.

I do have a mission to post...once I get all the html tags in place...I just don't feel like doing that right now. :D Yeah... Not to mention that I think I might wait until this whole macrovirus emergency thing has passed, for the sake of continuity, or something along those lines. I'm assuming that Joyce and Singsong weren't partnered together until AFTER the emergency...which...hasn't...ended yet. Yeah. Temporal plothole, I suppose. XD

Well, this is weird...

2008-04-12T12:50:55Z

...It's Saturday. And I don't have school. And while that might seem normal to some people, rest assured, it's very abnormal for me.

And now I seriously have no idea what to do with myself. Two whole days of free time to kill.........

You know, Maddy, you were right. When there's nothing to do here, you have no idea what to do here. Ah, well, I'll figure something out. Thank God for laptops and nice weather. ^_^

You know what's sad?

2008-04-07T17:37:11Z

When stereotypes turn out to be very, very true.

Tea Partay

I mean, I know these people. Granted, not very well, cuz most of them tend to get on my nerves. But still...it's rather scary to be a nice, average, middle-class girl attending a prep school with a bunch of guys wearing brightly-colored polos and pants embroidered with those little whales, and girls wearing those sweaters and pearls, and then seeing this commercial for Smirnoff raw tea...and suddenly realize that all the stereotypes are true.

Mission 1 Continued

2008-04-06T13:39:12Z

And here's the rest...

The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Skittles belong to the Mars snack food company. The fic Following a dream, Living a nightmare and Mei Dearle belong to demon thing—not that I want either, of course.

The opening sentence of chapter three brought forth an interesting item.

“A suitcaase?” Joyce asked as Ed grabbed the object in question. “I knew Ed had a suitcase, but I didn’t know about the suitcaase.”

“Flippin’ misspell—” Singsong broke off and stared open-mouthed as Ed, Armstrong, and the Sue made their way to Havoc and the car, where the Sue got upset at the blonde officer for doing his job.

"sorry miss this isn't a taxi you know." he was trying to be polite and was doing his job, Mei knew this but still wanted to strangle the man for stopping her,

"Moron." she muttered so no one else heard then called "Ed!" the said alchemist turned and looked at her blue eyes before sighing and going back to grab her wrist and reasure Havoc that she was safe and was his substitute for Al temperarily.

“How dare you call Havoc a moron when you know that he’s just doing his job?” Singsong demanded, looking downright livid at seeing one of her lust objects mistreated.

“And who says you’re Al’s substitute?” Joyce added, petting All protectively. She looked at her partner, who was grumbling under her breath.

“Impetuous little… The poor man’s got enough problems in his life as is, don’t you dare…” Her fists were clenching dangerously.

“Um…careful Singsong.”

Singsong looked at her hands. “Oh.” Slowly, ever so slowly, her fingers relaxed. She scowled at the Sue as the car drove away, and took a moment to read the Words. “Great. During the car ride, she calls herself ‘a well bred country girl’, and then goes on to say that she’s ‘a bit of both really, country and city’.” She shook her head in disgust.

“Can we just portal to the next chapter?” Joyce asked hopefully.

“Yeah, sure.”

They came out at Military Headquarters, where the Sue was imitating Winry, albeit badly. Joyce scowled as she watched her not-actual-brother get pestered by the Sue, who was acting like an undisciplined five-year-old.

"wow wow wow wow!!" she repeated in a pitched and equaly speedy voice tugging gently at Ed's sleeve "Looka that, cool. can you see." Ed looked thoughrouly unimpressed by her lack of composre when it came to entering what seemed like an every day building for all the others around her "hey where i come from the guards outside of the queens palace aren't allowed to move, are some of these guys like that?"

“Is being annoying a charge?” Joyce asked hopefully.

“It can be.”

They followed the Sue, Ed, and Havoc (Armstrong had, apparently, fallen through a plothole) as they went up the stairs. Ed and the Sue started complaining about Mustang’s office being on the third floor.

“Excuse me?” Singsong asked. “Third floor? The Sue’s tongue is hanging out of her mouth en route to the third floor?” She snickered. “Wait ‘till I tell Anjilly…she had to dash up three flights of stairs twice a day back before she joined the PPC. And I’ve gone up a couple hundred flights of stairs at a time at HQ.”

Joyce, meanwhile, looked miffed. “Ed wouldn’t be exhausted before reaching the third floor. That’s all I’m going to say.”

They watched with amusement as the Sue collapsed “anime style” on her face.

“Wimp,” Singsong smirked.

They made it to Roy’s office, where Havoc thought about the Sue’s appearance.

“Yes, yes, we get it, she’s dark, angsty, and likes the colors black and red,” Joyce scowled. “At least my description was well-written.”

“Her mouth is cat-shaped. How’s that possible?” Singsong asked. “And how come her eyes get such a long run-on sentence?”

however the feature that was most striking to him was her eyes they big like you would see in a child and deep ocean blue someone could probably really get lost into her eyes as they seemed to acctually be as deep as the ocean that they reflected the most starling feature of her eyes wasn't simply their color or the fact that they looked like a huge puddle that covers about a third of the planets surface but that they reflected her mood with both movement and how the light inside them shone.

“Uh, Singsong?”

“Yeah?”

“The room’s filling up with water.”

Singsong frowned. “Well, I guess this is the ocean that her eyes are reflecting…”

“What do we do in a situation like this?”

Singsong frowned. “Um…”

The Sue and Ed made their way into Mustang’s office.

“Let’s just…follow them for now.” She sloshed towards Mustang’s office through the water, which was halfway to her knees. Joyce quirked an eyebrow, but followed.

Once inside, the ex-Sue suddenly froze. Mustang was sitting at his desk.

“Oh, isn’t that convenient?” Singsong asked as Mustang heard the Sue’s name and wondered where he’d heard it before. “Honestly, I—Joyce?”

Joyce was staring at Mustang, a sort of glazed look in her eyes, and Brenden’s words suddenly came back to Singsong.

“You know, State Alchemist, Ishbal Massacre, had an angsty romance with Roy Mustang…”

Singsong did the first thing she could think of. She slapped Joyce across the face.

“Ouch!” the blonde exclaimed. “What was—”

“Don’t you dare go all Suvian on me, or so help me Eru, I’ll tie you down and force you to watch No-Drool videos.”

Joyce flinched. “No-Drool videos?” she asked, sounding terrified. At Singsong’s answering nod, she gulped. “Sorry, sorry, it won’t happen again.”

“Better not.”

Meanwhile, Ed and the Sue started arguing over what the Sue had been thinking, while Mustang took a phone call with Hughes that only served for him to ask Hughes to look up information on the name Dearle. There was a stupid part where the Sue happily said that she’d been thinking about how some tree out the window would be perfect for a treehouse, and Ed turned to stone, ‘anime style’.

"What is that all??"

"Well yeah, what were you expecting?" a vein could be seen throbbing in his temple and with a loud shout he chased after the girl who in turn screamed and ran away running circles in the Colonel's office in a failed atempt at escaping the blonde, who put his alchemic skills to work and transmuted a wall in front of the black haired girl who hadn't actually hadn't practised Alchemy but seeing the gate she knew as much of the theory as Ed did, and clapping her own hands together she made stone hands come out of the floor and catch her persuer by the ankles, making him drop flat on his face and clapping again anouther couple of hands held onto his wrists stopping him from performing any alchemy or moving more than an inch for that matter, the bonds were tight but not so that they would hurt her captive.

Joyce’s eye was twitching sporadically. The gigantic run-on sentence, the blatant disregard for all the studying needed to perform alchemy, the Sue’s sudden and random amazing alchemic skills, and Ed’s easy defeat were all colliding nicely to form some first-rate bloodlust. “Can we kill her yet?”

Singsong swallowed her bleeprin before answering. “Don’t you want to wait until she meets the Homunculi?”

“But—but—she’s—look at her!” Joyce was indignant. “She’s pointlessly asserting her superiority, and gloating over him, and teasing him and—and treating him like a dog.”

“Well, there is the whole Dog of the Military theme, you know…”

“And Roy isn’t doing anything! He’s just standing there, watching the clock tick, and—oh, no, is he leaving? Roy wouldn’t leave his subordinate in the clutches of a monster!”

“He’s under the Sue’s influence. Give him a break.”

“And now she’s squatting down and petting him and—STOP SEXUALLY HARRASSING MY BROTHER YOU—Mmmphhff!”

Singsong had the presence of mind to clamp a hand over her partner’s mouth and duck behind Mustang’s desk. Mei looked up for a moment, confused, but quickly went back to Ed.

"i don't think you're in any position to tell me to do anything, Mr Elric." she replyed emphasising the 'mr' in that sentance and moving so that she sat on his back to be in a more comfortable position to stroke his braid rather than squatted on the floor, she ran her fingers down the braid a few times enjoying the feeling of the strands of hair beneath her fingertips, before leaning forwards slightly and stealing his hair band and letting his hair loose nowbrushing her hands through hair to untangle it from it's twisted state, Ed had long since stopped complaining for shock of what she was doing to his long blonde locks the red elastic around her wrist.

“Would you keep it quiet?” Singsong demanded as they sped on into chapter five.

“But…but she’s…”

Singsong fished out some bleeprin from her pocket. “Here, have this. It helps.”

Joyce gratefully accepted and leaned back against the desk, sighing. All hopped into her lap, and she pet him absent-mindedly. “Are they all this bad?”

“Not all. Some are worse.” This didn’t seem to help Joyce feel any better, so she added, “You get used to it.”

Joyce groaned.

They made it through the Sue wondering over why she was doing this, and then stopping, and then angsting. “Major” Hughes entered, meaning to give Roy the information on the Dearles (“How did he find the information that fast?”) and started making fun of Ed and Mei’s predicament, joined by Hawkeye. After making them agree to keep quiet about it, Ed and the Sue left the office. The assassins followed.

“Why isn’t there any water anymore?” Joyce asked as they went through the office.

“I’m guessing it drained out through all the plotholes.”

“Ah.”

They followed Ed and the Sue to a random corridor, where the twosome didn’t quite make out before Ed slung the Sue over his shoulder and headed into room that was, apparently, his.

The resulting hormone-driven scene was enough to make Singsong down half of her bleeprin. Joyce merely stared in horror.

“I…I at least had well written…sex…scenes…Oh, Truth,” she added, turning away to protect her not-actual-brother’s modesty. Or whatever was left of it, thanks to the Sue.

“Charge for conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest,” Singsong said weakly. “You want some bleeprin?”

“Sure. Thanks. Can minis have bleeprin?”

All’s fur was sticking up straight, and he looked scarred for life. Watching your older brother have sex could do that to you.

“Dunno.”

“I’m giving it to him anyway.”

Chapter six, thankfully, was not a sex scene. It was, however, Hughes and Roy learning that the Dearles were a pair of state alchemists from sixty years ago who’d disappeared ten years after becoming state alchemists.

“How were they state alchemists?” Singsong wondered. “Bradley was created sixty years ago. How would he appoint them?”

There was a sudden scene change, and Ed and the Sue were interrupted in the middle of making out when Roy called.

"FullMetal, i want you in my office, Now!"

FullMetal—a sort of dog chimera—scampered over to the agents, and was positively delighted to see All. Joyce cooed at the brotherly affection.

“That’s an exceptionally mini mini,” Singsong observed. FullMetal instantly started barking angrily.

“I think he got Ed’s defensiveness of his size,” Joyce smirked, petting the chimera on the head. Singsong turned back to the fic and scowled as Ed got fresh with Roy, threatening to disobey orders just to sound rebellious.

“He could be court-martialed for that, you know.”

“Want to just portal ahead to where she learns about her grandparents?” Joyce asked, reading the Words.

“Yeah, sure.”

Joyce scooped up FullMetal and All as Singsong opened a portal. They came out to find Hughes showing the Sue a picture

"Grandma . . . Grandpa. . ." her voice trailed off Hughes looked confused in the background she looked up then realising she was acting like a child she hardened her voice so it sounded normalish and said to him "These are my grandparents. my grandfather died 15 years ago when i was a few months old and my grandmother 3 years ago, when i was twelve." she frowned 'they can't be the same. . .it's impossible' she recognised them from a wedding photo they had shown her rather than their withered forms as she remembered.

“Oh, so she thinks that old people have ‘withered forms’?” Joyce scowled. “Is it just me, or does that strike you as rude?”

“Pertaining to this girl, it’s actually rather polite.”

Joyce muttered something that sounded like “statutory rape” as she held FullMetal protectively.

“You know, that depends on the age of consent, and they never really say what that is in Amestris.” Singsong thought a moment. “Though it’s a sort of forties- or fifties-like time period, despite the year being in the 1910s, so I’d assume the laws on sex are pretty strict…” She trailed off as Ed entered the room and demanded of the Sue if her origins were true.

"I'm sure you know about the gate, or the door." he nodded "I was born and raised on the other side, my grandparents on my father's side must have crossed the gate fifty years ago and that's how they disapeared." no one said anything as Mei sat there like the first time she had been sent to the head's office at school for beating a kid up because he was teasing her, but this felt worse she sat staring at a spot on the floor everything around her becoming a blur as she tried to think all this new information through and all the theories that were floating about in her head.

“Oh, stop angsting,” Joyce scowled.

"Impossible." Ed finally spat obviously annoyed at her.

"No it's not... and you know it." her voice was stern but soft the kind of tone you would use to a hyperactive child who refused point blank to do something. Ed continued to scowl at her as if she had threatened his little brother.

So was Joyce. “How is he supposed to know it? He hasn’t even gone through the Gate yet!”

“Charge for sending now three people through the Gate without any negative effects,” Singsong said. She listened as the Sue said that she didn’t want to go back home because her life there sucked, and because of sentimental reasons as well, of course.

"Besides if these people really are the grandparents i've come to love then i belong here anyways right??" they thought before seeing to the logic behind her talk.

“Logic? What logic?”

“Are you sure that’s why you want to stay here? Getting in my brother’s pants doesn’t count?”

“Joyce…”

“Sorry.”

Chapter seven started in the first person.

I walked down another corridor in search of the stairs and sighed heavily, i should have pretended not to know what they were talking about instead of just caving lke that but i couldn't lie to Ed. As i rounded another corner aimlessly, i was greeted by a rather large stature.

"Miss this is a military building how did you get in here." said the deep voice the figure posing to show of his strong muscles, i sweat dropped as Armstrong took on several different poses before giving me a chance to answer.

"Umn, well you see i'm acctually supposed to be here." i began trying hard not to laugh from being weirded out so much

“But…but…” Singsong was confused. “But she already met Armstrong! He escorted her here! She—OOF!” Joyce had suddenly tackled her to the ground. “What was that for?”

“Sorry. That noose was about to get you.”

“Noose?” Singsong looked to where she’d been standing. “Oh. A logic loophole. Thanks.”

“Armstrong annoys her for a bit more, and then we learn that Hughes is really Envy,” Joyce said, reading the Words.

“Portal ahead?”

“Please.”

They came out at a flashback.

"Sis... sis!" a girl ran from the basement up a flight of stairs looking for someone "I heard the door. Is anyone there?" the black haired 5 year old stopped as she caught sight of an older girl lying on the floor which was wet with blood, before a man with dark brown hair and tanned skin standing over the slightly moving 10 year old who eventualy managed to push herself up to a half sitting possition not trying to stop the blood from flowing from the bullet wounds in her legs. Her eyes begging to the man, for her life. "SIS!!" the older turned to the younger and both pairs of eyes widened as anouther shot was heard a bullet making a hole in the carpet.

“What’s the point of this?” Joyce asked.

“Cause for more angst.”

“Ah. Who’s the murderer?”

“She describes him as having red eyes and a weird accent…not to mention he seems upset that she’s related to her grandparents. Scar, maybe? She never specifically says, though, so it isn’t really him.”

The Sue woke up from her bad dream and angsted in Ed’s arms. Joyce scowled through the whole scene, until they were suddenly wrenched to Hughes’ whereabouts—the real Hughes, that is.

They watched as he ran from the Homunculi, only to be murdered right on Mustang’s doorstep at the end of the chapter.

“Yeesh…”

“Killing Hughes for more angst? Come on, was that really necessary?”

In chapter nine, Al and Winry had shown up for the funeral. Then Ed and the Sue had some mushy moment outside the library where she pointed out that it was raining.

“Stealing Roy’s concept,” Joyce scowled. “The nerve.”

“This chapter is senseless,” Singsong sighed. “It’s just a lot of mush and—”

Chapter ten started out at the tail end of a sex scene. Joyce started to turn red, then green, and finally settled on urple.

“You know what?” Singsong asked. “Let’s just portal to where the Homunculi are holding her prisoner. We can kill her then. You know, when she’s wearing clothes. We have to kill her before she selflessly sacrifices herself, anyway.”

“Good idea.”

They portalled to Dante’s nondescript lair, where Dante was trying to goad the Sue into creating the Philosopher’s Stone.

"Well, well, Mei Dearle... I've heard about you." i rolled my eyes as she continued "Apparently you're from the other side of the gate" I looked at her a little taken aback.

"Wha...? um... wait who even cares?" i folded my arms and tried to look as if i really didn't care "I know more about you than you about me." i boasted, she scoffed.

"Really?" she took a few steps closer so she was in my face "I know that to have come from the other world, you know how to make the philosophers stone." it was a statement, i said nothing. "i also know that you will make the stone for me." she moved away towards the large wooden door with Envy closely behind, and just as he was closing the door he said to me

"And don't bother trying to escape, or you'll end up the same way as the Major."

"You Bastards!" i shouted as the door closed and a flsh of light indicating i was being sealed in so i couldn't alchemise my way out of this rather large room, i ran to the door and banged on it shouting insults and empty threats at it.

“Now?” Joyce asked hopefully.

“Yep. You do the honors.”

Joyce happily put All and FullMetal on the ground, handed the charge list to Singsong, and pulled out her pistol. The assassins approached the Sue.

“Ahem,” Singsong cleared her throat. The Sue turned to face them, and Singsong looked to the charge list. “Mei Dearle, you are hereby charged with raping the English language, especially seeing as you’ve claimed to have edited this fic ; excessive angst for the sake of angst; making Pinako sound stupid; randomly coming through the Gate with little to no sacrifice and some scratches and sending two other people through the Gate with no negative effects; intentionally and cruelly taunting Ed about his height; creating two mini-chimeras, to whit, All and FullMetal; wantonly revealing to the Elrics that you know their secret; creating a stupid excuse that undermines the entire point that Al’s body must be kept secret and causing the Elrics to actually buy said stupid excuse; using Armstrong as a wanton plot device; creating a murderer worse than Scar; not being scared of the prospect of said murderer; separating the Elrics so you can fulfill your fantasies, using fangirl Japanese; insulting people who you know are just doing their job; being annoying; flooding Mustang’s office; beating Ed in alchemy; sexually harassing Ed; conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest; killing off both canon and non-canon characters simply for the sake of angst; and”—here Singsong took a quick look at the Words they hadn’t gotten to yet—“I can’t really include these, but you were going to have Dante hold Ed and the others hostage to force you to make a Philosopher’s Stone—without any of the materials necessary to make one in the area. Also, conspiracy to selflessly sacrifice yourself to cause Ed to angst. Last but not least, for being a Mary-Sue. The punishment for these crimes is death. Any last words?”

“what? but you can’t!!”

Joyce aimed her pistol. Mei screamed and started pounding on the door again. Thankfully, whatever plothole that had caused her to not use her alchemy was still in effect. There was a loud bang, and the Sue’s body dropped to the ground, glittery pink blood oozing from the back of her head.

“Good job,” Singsong praised.

“Thanks.”

“Now, let’s dispose of the body. Lab Five should be crawling with chimeras…”

They portalled to Lab Five, gave Tucker’s creations a snack, stopped FullMetal from abusing any chimera that made a point about its height, and then portalled back to their response center.

“Well,” said Joyce, “that was fun.”

“Uh-huh,” said Singsong, heading straight towards her stash. Wrenching the cabinet doors opened, she pulled out several bags of skittles.

“What do we do with the chimeras?” All and FullMetal were sniffing around the RC.

“No idea.” Singsong tore the bags of candy open and started eating. Joyce watched bemusedly.

“Well,” she said, “I think I’m going out for a walk.”

“Sure.”

After an indeterminate time of meandering through the hallways, Joyce found herself standing in front of RC #486. She knocked.

“…Yeah?” a preoccupied voice called from beyond.

“Anj? It’s me. Joyce.”

“Oh! Come on in!”

She did, and found a frazzled-looking Anjilly Ka holding a mountain of rags as she tried to wipe glittery pink blood off of her partner, Brenden Sanderson. The man was completely covered in the stuff.

“Um…is everything okay?” Joyce asked worriedly.

“We just got back from a mission,” Anjilly explained quickly. “Star Wars Sue. Someone had the great idea to blow her up.” She glared at Brenden, who smirked.

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

“Oh, Eru,” Anjilly scowled at the glitter she was trying to wipe off his arm. “It’s congealing.”

“Can I do anything?” Joyce asked.

“Not really. I think I’m just going to take him to Medical.”

“I don’t need to go to Medical for this! I’ll just take a shower!”

Anjilly ignored him and gave up on the glitter. “So, how’d the first mission go?”

“Wasn’t bad,” Joyce answered. “Painful. Annoying. Watched my little brother have sex. But I killed her, and it’s over.”

“Actually,” Brenden grinned, “it’s only just begun. Anj, could you maybe keep trying? Maybe get some soap and water…”

“Brenden. You’re drenched in Sue blood. I don’t want to think about what negative effects it’ll have on your IQ. We’re going to Medical.” To prove her point, she grabbed his arm—wincing at the glitter that got on her hands—and dragged him out of the RC. Joyce followed.

“You can’t take me to Medical, Anj! I swear, that one nurse hates me!”

“Well, good for you, Joyce,” Anjilly smiled encouragingly, ignoring her partner’s protests. “I’m glad we got you out of that fic of yours. Had the feeling you’d make a good agent. And Singsong needed a partner, after Dazey…”

“There’s just one thing I’m not sure about,” Joyce said.

“Yeah?”

“You told me that Singsong is kinda…off…but she seemed normal enough to me. Were you just exaggerating or something?”

Anjilly blanched. Brenden was laughing. “Didn’t I say you should just let Singsong be her normal self? Look, now you’ve given poor Joyce false hope.”

“What?” Joyce asked. Anjilly looked apologetic.

“Well…I kinda…”

“She made Sing promise to lay off the sugar for your first mission together,” Brenden smirked. “Apparently, it makes her calm down. Now that that’s over, she’s probably pouring it down her throat as we speak…”

Joyce suddenly understood the skittles. “Oh, no,” she said.

“Sorry,” Anjilly said meekly.

“I have to go,” Joyce said, running down the hallway. “See you later!”

“Don’t run!” Brenden shouted. “It’ll only take longer to get back!” Joyce didn’t appear to hear him, as she sped around a corner. “Well, nice going Anj.”

“Shut up.”

Fic Notes: All in all, this Sue was just…annoying. Between the run-on sentences and random mood swings, she was just…stupid. Very much so. Especially when the author claimed to have reworked the fic. Apparently she didn’t edit the grammar. I’m just glad the Sue’s dead.

About the minis, if anyone knows who their respective owners are, please tell me. Otherwise, they’re going to stay with Singsong and Joyce.

Link to fic PPC'd, for those of you with Morbid Curiosity: Following a dream, Living a nightmare

Mission 1: Your Dream, Our Nightmare

2008-04-06T13:31:33Z

My first PPC mission ever. Yay! Follow agents Singsong Jacobs and Joyce Odelia Reesin through a really stupid badfic with a really annoying Sue. It's in two parts because, well...I like to write long things. Also, I think I've finally gotten the formatting fixed, but do let me know if I messed something up...

The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Singsong, Joyce, Brenden, and Anjilly are mine. Skittles belong to the Mars snack food company. The fic Following a dream, Living a nightmare and Mei Dearle belong to demon thing—not that I want either, of course.

Singsong Jacobs was doing her absolute best to not root through the stash of candy she kept in the cabinet. As it was, she was sitting on the couch in her RC, trying to ignore the cabinet’s existence, and glancing longingly at it every once in a while. Normally, she would’ve been sugar-high ages ago, but she’d promised Anjilly that she’d lay off the sugar just this once so she didn’t scare her new partner. This was a pity, because without the sugar, she tended to think more clearly than she wanted to. With the sugar, she managed to maintain her normal, blissfully clueless mindset.

“Seriously, Sing, just don’t have any sugar in your system when you meet her. I don’t want her getting scared, okay?”

“…Huh?”

Anjilly heaved a longsuffering sigh. “Don’t have any sugar from now on until after you two have gone on your first mission together. Alright?”

“…Why?”

“Because Anj doesn’t want you scaring your new partner off,” Anjilly’s partner, Brenden, snorted. “Though I think it’s stupid, because it’ll just give the poor girl false hope…”

“Shut up, Brenden,” Singsong scowled at him. If Brenden Sanderson didn’t like the idea, that was reason enough for her to do it. “Fine Anj, I won’t have sugar.”

Anjilly looked relieved. “Thanks.”

“So…what’s this girl like? You know her, right?”

“Yeah…we recruited her from this fic, you see…”

“She’s an ex-Mary-Sue,” Brenden said bluntly, smirking. Singsong froze.

“A what?”

“You know, State Alchemist, Ishbal Massacre, had an angsty romance with Roy Mustang, Ed and Al’s older half-sister…”

“I’m being partnered with a Sue?!?”

“Yep.”

“Why?!?”

“Oh, you know, because your old partner sort of went off the deep end and had to retire…”

“Brenden,” Anjilly scowled, “you aren’t helping.”

There was a timid knock at the door, interrupting Singsong’s flashback sequence. Shaking her head to clear it—not that there was much to be cleared away; there was no sugar to cloud her mind—she hopped up to open the door, and found herself staring at her new partner.

“Um, hi,” the other girl said. “RC #71734? Singsong Jacobs?”

“Yeah,” Singsong said.

“I’m Joyce Reesin,” the other answered. “Your new partner, I guess.”

“Nice to meet you,” Singsong said, looking Joyce over. There was little doubt that she was related to the Elrics. She had long hair that fell in a flaxen waterfall down her back, and eyes the color of molten gold—

“Oops,” said Joyce before Singsong’s mental description could go any farther. “Sorry about that. I forget to control it sometimes.” “Ouch,” Singsong groaned, rubbing her forehead.

“Sorry,” said Joyce. She watched as Singsong continued to rub her forehead. “I’m getting the hang of it, though, so that sort of thing shouldn’t happen much. I hope.” Singsong was still massaging her brow. “Um…are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’re still rubbing your head.”

“Oh.” She stopped. It occurred to her that she should probably invite Joyce into the response center, so she moved out of the doorway and motioned the new girl in.

“Nice place,” Joyce said politely. Singsong gave her the grand tour.

“That’s your bed,” she said, pointing. “That’s mine. There’s the weapons’ cabinet, and the other one’s mine.”

“What’s that thing over there?”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

“The console,” Singsong answered, heading towards it. Joyce followed, and read over her shoulder.

“basically a girl gets taken to the one place she has always wanted to be, but a slip of the toungue puts her in a nightmare worse than where she came from. EdxOC,” she read aloud, and grimaced. “Great. Sounds fun.”

“So,” said Singsong, moving to pack up her knapsack, “what kind of weapons do you use?”

“I have a pistol. Oh, and I can use alchemy.”

“Really?” Singsong asked. “Lucky. I have problems understanding chemistry. Alchemy’s way out of my league.” She eyed the ex-Sue carefully. “You can’t do it without a circle, can you?”

“No,” Joyce said quickly. “No, I can’t.” Pause. “Well, I was going to be able to, but Anj and Brenden got me out before it came to that…”

“Good,” Singsong nodded, throwing a notepad, pencil, and bleeprin into her bag.

“Do you have another one of those?” Joyce asked, gesturing at the knapsack. Singsong frowned.

“Nope, sorry. I’d give you Dazey’s, but she sort of filled it with salt after she snapped in our last mission and threw it into the Floating Hyacinth’s tank, and it got confiscated…”

Joyce quirked an eyebrow. “She tried to kill the Floating Hyacinth?”

“Well, she wasn’t really in her right mind, and I don’t blame her. It was a nasty fic. There was Izumi’s estranged angel-chimera State Alchemist daughter—who could transmute clapping her hands, of course—Ed wouldn’t stop angsting, Al was practically nonexistent, Winry was in league with Dante, there were ten Homunculi… Alright, ready to go?” she asked, completely oblivious to her partner’s horrified expression as she shouldered her pack.

“Yeah…sure,” Joyce said.

“Great.” Singsong picked up the remote activator and opened a portal. “After you.”

The first thing Joyce noticed when she and her newfound partner stepped through the portal was the author’s note. It was kind of hard not to.

Okay i've completely redone all chapters and this story will be finished as soon as i can get it all uploaded there eleven chapters and if i get enough reveiws a sequel (or if i feel like it) i've cut bits out, added bits in, rewritten bits and merged a few chapters so it's shorter and you get longer chapters, i spent a whole day editing and finishing the last chapter so please enjoy it and reveiw.

“That’s one heck of a run-on sentence,” Singsong scowled as the fic opened in a nondescript room.

“Is the grammar going to be that bad all the way through?” Joyce asked.

Mei sighed at the screaming that was going on above her head, it was always like this either her parents or one of her parents at her siblings or just everyone at everyone else for nothing but how late they were out last night or curfew times that had recently been changed.

“I think that answers your question,” Singsong answered, pulling out her trusty notepad and pencil. “Let’s see, we can get her for grammar abuses. Especially seeing as she’s claimed to have edited it.” She started writing down charges as the Sue angsted.

"Screw the pact." she muttered

“She’s leaving,” Joyce announced as the Sue “emerged from her basement bedroom”. Singsong nodded absentmindedly, and they followed Mei to the next nondescript room in time to see the Sue start shouting at her nameless father and two older brothers.

"WILL YOU JUST STOP!!" there were tears in her eyes as she continued, "You're all just as bad as each other you always criticize just leave it for one day." as the tears fell to the ground she ran out of the house her customized combat boots banging loudly though out the house as the only sound left, grabbing her backpack on her way out.

Singsong frowned as she wrote more on her notepad. “Excessive angst. I hate excessive angst.”

“Should we kill the bit characters?” Joyce asked.

“What bit characters? They’re basically cardboard cutouts. But yeah, sure, let’s do that.” Singsong’s hand reached toward an empty knife sheath. She did a double-take, and then groaned. “Aw, dang it…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Left my knife in the RC. I have my pistol, though I don’t feel like wasting three bullets…”

“Here,” said Joyce, pulling a piece of chalk out of her pocket. She started drawing a circle on the Generic Floor. Singsong eyed her.

“Alchemy?”

“Yeah,” Joyce answered, sounding slightly nervous as she finished the circle. Laying her hands on it, she transmuted a knife and handed it to Singsong, who took a moment to contemplate it.

“What’s with the flowers?” There were little carved roses gracing the knife’s handle. Joyce blushed.

“That’d be my signature style.”

“What were you, the Floral Blossom Alchemist?”

“Rosebud Alchemist,” Joyce replied, wincing at the title. Singsong rolled her eyes, but went to take care of the bit characters. “What do we do with the bodies?”

“Don’t bother; this place’ll disappear into a plothole once the Sue gets to Amestris,” Singsong replied, slipping Joyce’s knife into her empty sheath. “Hope you don’t mind if I keep this.”

“That’s fine.”

The two agents went after the Sue. They found the black haired dark eyed female at the children’s playground.

"You're an idiot Mei!" she whispered "Why'd you screw the pact, no getting into others' fights remember, heh,"

“But…didn’t she just say ‘screw the pact’ a minute ago?” Joyce wondered.

“Yeah, but she’s being a hypocrite for the sake of angst.”

"Get up and walk!" she said to the night as it began to rain heavily "tomorrow's just another day, no fear remember, He's been through worse." she was referring to her favorite character ever Edward Elric, it's what she always did when she decided her life couldn't get worse and she should just give up just incase, that maybe if she died things would get better for everyone else.

Singsong scowled. “What a great choice of role model.” She paused. “Not that I disrespect what Ed’s been through at all, of course…but that’s just stupid. There’re plenty of real people to choose as role models.”

“Can being stupid be a charge?”

“Yes. Yes it can.”

WVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVW

Joyce yelped with surprise as she was jolted to the floor. “What the heck was that?!?”

“Scene change, I think,” Singsong grimaced as she stood up off the floor. “And stay quiet. She’ll hear us.”

Mei awoke to voices outside of a door, trying to piece together what had happened at the park, why she was inside and why those voices seemed all too familiar but weren't her families, she had no Friends to take care of her.

“Um…where are we?” Joyce asked nervously. “Why is she randomly capitalizing words?”

“No idea, on both counts,” the other agent answered.

"Will she be okay, Auntie?" asked a female voice she sounded worried, and young.

“Never mind. I think I do know.” It took a moment for the words to process through Singsong’s brain after they left her mouth. “Wait…how…?”

"She should be, not for a while though and i may be wrong, this is something i have never seen like before." replied an old voice, 'are they talking about me?' thought Mei as she drifted off into a deep state of unconsciousness.

Since Singsong was still trying to wrap her mind around the idea that they were now quite randomly in Amestris, Joyce to the opportunity to relieve her partner of the charge list and added Making Pinako sound stupid.

“I don’t get it,” Singsong murmured. “Normally there’s some dramatic Going-Through-The-Gate scene…”

"How are you old Hag!" shouted a male voice wakening Mei once again.

“And enter the lust object,” Singsong sighed, coming out of her reverie. Beside her, Joyce froze.

“Lust object?” she repeated. “Oh no. Don’t tell me it’s—”

'Ed!' thought Mei sitting up and ignoring the intense pain shooting through her body, she got up off of what looked like an infirmary bed 'probably for auto mail patients' and she walked out of the door stumbling slightly but leaning against the wall for support, the door swinging closed made everyone turn and stare at her. She smiled and scratched the back of her neck with her free hand, Winry immediately tried to help her.

“I hate run-on sentences,” Joyce grumbled as the Sue continued to rape the English language. “I do, I really do.”

“Get used to it,” Singsong said, watching with distaste as Winry fussed over the Sue’s condition. “I’d think you’d be alright with it, as an ex-Sue.”

“I came from a fic with good grammar,” Joyce growled. She glared at the Sue, who was taking a moment to ogle a half-naked Ed before being led back to bed. Joyce’s eyes widened. “Don’t you dare go peeping at my little brother, you wench!”

“Brother?” Singsong repeated, incredulous. “He isn’t your brother!”

Joyce wilted a bit. “Um…sorry…I can’t help it! Even though it’s not canonical, I can’t help but feel protective!”

Singsong sighed, listening with half an ear as the canons pondered over who Mei might be. She scowled when Winry mentioned no wounds other than scratches, and added to the charge list. Al popped out of a plothole to say, "Maybe she's a traveler who got attacked and walked to the nearest house!"

A look of surprise and understanding came over her pale features as she remembered the night before what had happened, the door she had been through the door and seen what Ed liked to call 'truth' those little black hands that's what scratched her maybe that's why she hurts so much, none of her body was missing as far as she could tell, so what was the Equivalent Exchange? she thought, maybe her life as a scared little girl hiding in the corner, at the nearest sign of danger, her family if that's what she would call it.

“Wait, what?” Singsong asked. “How in heck is that equivalent exchange? She gave up her sucky life? At least, I think that’s what she’s trying to say…can’t really tell…” She added some more to the charge list as the Sue got out of bed again and went outside to see Ed and Al.

"Hello." said Alphonse a little nervously

“Nervous?” Joyce asked. “Al wouldn’t get nervous over a random harmless girl! He’d be friendly!”

“I’m taking it you have a soft spot for the Elric brothers,” Singsong observed.

“No duh.”

Mei looked at the suit of armor blankly for a second then smiling she said to him

"Hi" and an evil idea came into her head "you must be the Full metal Alchemist, Edward Elric, Right?" Ed's face darkened as Al corrected her

"Umn, no I'm Alphonse Elric." Mei fought hard to keep a straight face as she interrupted

"So then the little guy must be . . ."

"I'M NOT SHORT!!" shouted Ed almost knocking Mei off of her feet, as she began to laugh hysterically

“Intentionally pretending to mix up Ed and Al just to taunt Ed about his height,” Joyce growled out, snatching the list from Singsong to write a charge.

"Doesn't it hurt at all?" asked all referring to the scratches all over her body

“Um, Singsong?”

Singsong was a bit busy gagging as the Sue said some drivel about how she was good at standing pain, on the outside anyway.

“Singsong?”

“…Yeah?”

“What is that?”

Singsong looked. There was a funny little animal staring back at them. It was definitely part cat, and part armadillo, but there were some other unidentifiable animals mixed in as well.

“Um…I think that’s a mini-chimera.”

“All?” Joyce asked, glancing at the Words. “Yeah. That’d explain the cat parts.” She wrote another charge down while Singsong knelt and patted the ground before her invitingly.

“Here boy,” she said. “Here All. C’mon.” The mini eagerly came forward, meowing. “Awww, aren’t you sweet!”

“What do we do with it?” Joyce asked. Singsong frowned.

“Well, the Alchemists’ Fanfiction Academy hasn’t been open for nearly a year…”

Joyce looked at the chimera before shoving the charge list and pencil into her pocket and picking the mini up. “He’s cute.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe we can keep him?”

“We’ll see,” said Singsong, looking back to the Sue in time to hear her wantonly talk about Al’s body.

"Well, it's better than being dead, right?" she said brightly and they both looked at her "Well if he's there, even without his body it's of some hope to get his body rather than if you had left him." they both looked at her in complete surprise for a second before Alphonse asked

"How do you know about my body?" Mei blinked before muttering under her breath

"Shit! Um well i can tell by looking at you, it's not so hard to notice." she said trying to cover up her tracks and she let out and inward sigh when they bought her excuses.

“Yeesh,” said Joyce, freeing a hand to pull the charge list back out. All took the opportunity to climb onto her shoulder. “What an idiot. Not only does she randomly let them know she knows their secret, she then comes up with a stupid excuse that basically undermines the entire fact that Al’s been kept a secret for years! And they actually believe her!”

“Get ready,” Singsong warned, looking at the Words. “Chapter two is coming up.” She watched as Mei and Ed sort of fell over each other for no good reason.

Joyce’s eyes widened. “Wait—that was only chapter one?!?” Chapter Two

They both froze Mei with her head on Ed's chest and just with the embaressment of having a girl laying on top of him, especially in front of his little brother, Alphonse stood up not quite sure what to do until they heard a voice Edward certainly did not want around at this time

"Edward Elric! I'm glad to see you finally taking interest in the opposite gender." and then appeared a figure sparkles and all taking on what was meant to be an impressive pose

"Major!" exclaimed Al, Mei sat up so she was unintentionally stradelling Ed's hips

Joyce’s face was becoming quite red, and she was trying her best to remember the part in her training about not drawing attention to oneself. “If she doesn’t get off him soon…I swear…” On her shoulder, All meowed in agreement. As Ed and the Sue went through the obligatory exclamations of “We weren’t doing anything!” and “She’s not my girlfriend!”, Singsong pulled out her Canon Analysis Device and aimed it at Armstrong.

[Alex Louis Armstrong. Canon. Human male. Out of character 23.87%]

“Thought so,” Singsong grumbled. “He wouldn’t say anything about Ed taking an interest in the opposite sex.” She pointed the CAD at Edward.

[Edward Elric. Canon. Human male. Out of character 36.54%]

“It isn’t so much that they’re terribly out of character than that they just have no character, I think,” Joyce observed. Singsong pocketed the CAD, nodding in annoyed consent.

There was a brief explanation for Armstrong’s appearance. He was there for protection from a murderer, under orders from Mustang.

“Is that all he ever does?” Singsong scowled. “That’s all anyone gives him credit for! Really! Suethors just use him as a plot device!”

“Changing Armstrong’s commanding officer,” Joyce muttered. “Using Armstrong as a wanton plot device.”

“Murderers seem to be an overused plot device, too,” Singsong scowled. “Where is this murderer, exactly? Central? Risembool? ‘Cause if this murderer’s in Central and isn’t after Ed in particular, there’s no point worrying about it if Ed’s in Risembool, even if Ed’s in the ‘category’ for his victims.”

“What category would that be?” Joyce asked.

“I’m assuming blond and shor—charge for making this killer be worse than Scar,” Singsong interrupted herself as Armstrong said just that. “This guy isn’t ever mentioned again. What’s the point of creating a random killer who’s worse than Scar who might try to kill Ed if he’s never going to be mentioned again?”

“So the Sue can act all unfazed?” Joyce suggested.

There was a loud yawn from Mei as they turned and saw her laying on her back with her eyes closed and her hands behind her head.

"You find this boring?" they asked in unision she opened one eye.

"No. . . i'm tired, genius." she replied sarcastically "besides, this doesn't concern me anyway." she added.

“Charge for not being even a little scared about a killer who’s worse than Scar. Also, she got ‘lay’ and ‘lie’ mixed up, but that can go under grammar abuses.”

“Got it,” said Joyce, writing some more. At this point, the Sue and her companions were called inside for dinner, and the agents followed them.

“Great—she’s trying to sound philosophical,” Singsong sighed as the Sue had a conversation about beliefs with the Elrics.

“How do you ‘crod’ your arms?” Joyce wondered.

“I think she means cross. There’s a scene change coming up—do you want to just portal ahead to when they’re at the train station?”

“Sure.”

Singsong brandished the remote activator, and she, Joyce, and All went through the resulting portal, coming out at the Risembool train station. Ed was buying tickets, and everyone else was all hudled around talking in hushed voices on the platform, and as soon as one of them spotted him they seperated and pretended that nothing was going on, he frowned,

"What's up?" he asked, Al fidgeted so Ed fixed his glare onto the suit of armor who gave in after about five seconds

"Um, Niisan, I'm want to stay in Risembul for while to help Auntie and Winry in the shop." he said nervously still fidgeting.

“Ugh,” Singsong scowled. “I hate fangirl Japanese.”

Joyce was aghast. “No way. There is no way the Elrics would ever want to split up over something so trivial. No frickin’ way.” From his perch on her shoulder, All looked indignant. “Why would she want to separate the—”

"Sure, but now i have an extra ticket." he waved the guilty peices of thin paper, Mei's ears pricked up as she got all excited

"I'll come!!" she anounced rather loudly with one of her arms raised in the air as if volentering for something in class, when she saw Ed looked a little surprised she half pouted and made puppy dog eyes "Please, please please please, i'll be good." she pleaded with him until he agreed

"Fine, what harm can it do?" Ed shrugged

Joyce looked downright murderous as she wrote down the charge. “Separating…the…Elric…brothers…just…so…you…can…fulfill…your…fantasies…” “You’re really protective of Ed and Al, aren’t you?”

“It’s instinct.”

Please go on to the next post for Part 2.

I can has agents?

2008-03-31T00:43:38Z

Does the grammar in those cat icons/avatars/whatevers drive anyone else insane, or is it just me? Granted, it doesn't drive me INSANE insane, it just sort of makes me laugh and smile while suppressing an eye twitch.

Anyways, as the title suggests, I finally got around to getting me some PPC agents! Yay! And in a bit, I shall have to get them their own little corners of the Wiki. But that'll be later... At the moment, I'd rather focus on their first mission. ^_^

By the way, are there any PPC spinoffs that deal specifically with FMA? Cuz I'd rather like to know if there's any special tools/procedures/information I need to know to work in the fandom...or if I'm on my own.

Department of Floaters, Fullmetal Alchemist Division, RC #71734

Singsong Jacobs
Home Continuum: Real World
Species: Human
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Lust Objects: Jean Havoc, Kain Fuery, and Alphonse Heiderich.
Personality: Singsong has been working in the PPC for only a few months. She tends to have bouts of cluelessness, is more than a tad on the crazy side, and is a sugarholic. She also suffers from mood swings, going from cheery and bouncy to snappish and surly within minutes. Her original partner, Dazey Baker, recently snapped in action and retired, thus leading to Singsong's partnership with Joyce.

Joyce Odelia Reesin
Home Continuum: Fullmetal Alchemist
Species: Human, reformed Mary-Sue
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Lust Object: Roy Mustang
Sue Life: Joyce originated as the star character of a Suefic set during the Ishbal Massacre. The fic was chock full of angsty romance with Roy Mustang, yet also contained surprisingly good grammar and some character development, as the Suethor meant for Joyce to be the first of--and, due to angst, the reason for--Roy's infamous flings and one-night stands. She was also the half-sister of the Elric brothers, the daughter of Hohenheim and and a dead OC. The pair of agents assigned to the fic, heartened by the good grammar and character development, decided to risk recruiting the Sue instead of killing her.
Personality: Joyce stays rather calm and quiet, mostly because she has the innate fear that anyone holding a sharp object might do her bodily harm before realizing she's an ex-Sue. Though she's no longer as Sueish or angsty as she once was, the dreamy face she gets when thinking of Roy Mustang and her yellow eyes are something of a dead giveaway. She does her best to get along with anyone, and tries to maintain a decent amount of sanity. She is much more sane than her partner, and often finds herself having to take care of Singsong during her bouts of cluelessness.

...As well as two additional agents, Anjilly Ka and Brenden Sanderson (the people responsible for Joyce's recruitment), who will be appearing because I'd like to write about life in HQ as well as missions. They're in RC #486, DMS.